“Blessed is the person who is not offended by me.”
~ Matthew 11:6
In Part I, I listed three reasons why Christians become offended by God and how to avoid them.
In this post, I want to address being offended by others.
What do I mean by being offended? T. Austin-Sparks once said, “If you get upset, offended, and go off and sulk, and nurse your grievance, you will die.”
The word “offend” in the New Testament means to trip, stumble, or fall away. I’m using the word here with a specific connotation. Being offended is to get so upset with someone that you hold a grudge against them or retaliate actively or passively. Hurt feelings aren’t the same as being offended. But often, Christians choose to be offended when their feelings get hurt.
With that in mind, here are eight things I’ve learned about being offended by others:
1. Christians will hurt your feelings. Because of the Fall, this will happen (James 3:2). Sometimes a person is being malicious, intending to hurt you (usually because they don’t like you or they’ve chosen to be offended by you). Other times they will hurt you without realizing it.
2. When others hurt you, your spiritual maturity will be revealed. Last month, I was speaking to a church, and I made this statement: “You will discover how real your relationship to Jesus Christ is when your feelings get hurt. You can be the greatest speaker, the greatest worshipper, and you can talk eloquently about Christ, but when your feelings get hurt, what you do at that moment and afterwards is going to reveal the reality of your relationship to Jesus Christ.” I went on to say that people have one of two reactions when their feelings get hurt: They deal with it before Lord or they destroy others.
3. God intends to use mistreatments for our good. Recall the mistreatment that Joseph endured at the hands of his own brothers. Joseph took it from the hand of God saying, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good” (Genesis 50:20). Remember King David when he was being cursed by Abishai. David chose not to kill his detractor, but instead, he saw the persecution in light of God’s sovereign hand (2 Samuel 16:11-12).
To paraphrase Romans 8:28, everything that comes into our lives, whether good or evil, has first passed through the hands of a sovereign, loving God before it got to us. And He uses it all for our good. Once you make peace with God’s sovereignty and His ability to write straight with crooked lines, the more at peace you will be with those who mistreat you. While God is not the author of confusion or evil, He seeks to use all things for our transformation.
4. Christians often get offended by reading into words and actions. This usually happens when a person is over-sensitive and thin-skinned. In my experience, this makes up most cases where a Christian is offended by another believer. As I’ve stated before, Christians are the most easily offended people in the world when we should be the least.
5. Christians often get offended with a person when they believe false accusations against them. Wise and discerning Christians who have been around the block for awhile ignore gossip that puts other believers in a bad light. In fact, in the eyes of the wise and discerning believer, any statement that has a defamatory tone is discredited out of the gate.
When wise and discerning believers are concerned about someone, they go straight to the person they are concerned about privately as Jesus Himself taught us to do, asking questions rather than making allegations. Some Christians, however, never think to do this. Instead, they readily believe slanderous allegations about a sister or brother in Christ without ever going to them first. And thus they become offended by the person who is being attacked.
The question, how would I want to be treated if someone were saying these things about me?, never seems to occur to them. The life of Jesus Christ always lead us to live that question. The flesh always leads us in the opposite direction. Remember, satan is the slanderer (that’s what “devil” means), and he uses gossip to destroy relationships. That’s why the Bible says that believing gossip separates close friends (Proverbs 16:28).
6. What you do with a hurt is a choice you make. You can choose to be offended and make a friend out of your hurt, feed it, take it out for daily walks, cuddle it, and protect it until it destroys you and others. A root of bitterness, if allowed to live, will defile many (Hebrews 12:15), let alone prove destructive to your own spirit.
You can also choose to be offended and retaliate actively or passively. Or you can choose to live by Christ and bring your hurt to God. Sometimes the Lord will lead you to go to the person and talk to them in a gracious manner, seeking reconciliation (Matthew 18:15). Other times He will lead you to forbear it, take it to the cross, let it go and move on. “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” (Proverbs 19:11). Sometimes He will show you that you’ve completely misinterpreted the actions of another.
(Note: In cases of repeated abuse, which I don’t have in mind in writing this post, getting others involved is often wise and necessary. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean enabling them to commit a crime or continue to devastate the lives of others.)
7. To be offended by a child of God is to be offended with God. When Jesus began preaching in His hometown of Nazareth, His neighbors were offended by Him. Meaning, they stumbled over Him and rejected who He really was (Mark 6:3). When you choose to be offended by another Christian, you are rejecting who they are in Christ. Thus it effects your relationship to Jesus, whether you realize it or not. Why? Because Christ and His body are connected, so “if you’ve done it to the least of these my brethren, you’ve done it unto Me.” (Again, I’m not equating being offended with being hurt.)
8. You can live free from offense. This doesn’t mean that you will never be hurt. Nor does it mean that you will never be angry. Jesus got angry. Remember His temple tantrum? Paul says “Be angry and sin not. Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath” (Ephesians 4:26).
Anger is a normal human emotion when someone abuses you or abuses someone you care about. But what you do with your anger determines whether or not it is sin. In addition, we should always be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). But the Lord has called us to the high road of living without offense. And He has given us both the power and the will to do of His good pleasure in this area (Philippians 2:13).
There’s a lot more that can be said on the subject. In fact, I wanted to provide stories illustrating each point, but the post would have been much too long. However, I’ve added more thoughts on the subject in my post, Living Without Offense. You may want to take a look at it.
The Forgotten Beatitude: Part I - Being Offended by God
Related:
I had an incident with a fellow believer who stepped on a boundary and so I confronted as gently as I could, they were hurt by my confrontation and began almost a year long slander campaign against me and even some blantant lies about me. They are still welcomed and loved in the body…the person refuses to allow me to express any hurts over all that was said and done to me. I am trying to work through reconcilation with God. The other person stated they said stuff motnhs ago so it doesn’t matter, even though it’s just now being exposed all that was said and done behind my back. I am offened. I am hurt. Trying to look over the offense…I have no trust left for them. I don’t want them cast out, but ….I have many feelings…help!
Thanks, Frank. I’d share this on Facebook, but I’m afraid it would come back to haunt me when people thought I’d posted it about them!
I have just offended a brother by correcting exactly what I now see I am doing. What a lesson in humility and grace!
Thanks so much for lighting a sometimes/often dark road we choose to go down in our limited wisdom, usually by our choice to be offended.
I really appreciate your signposts to the Real Jesus Christ.
Great post as usual. I just went through a situation where I left full time ministry from my home church. I was told several times that I was leaving out of an offense. I clearly explained that this was not true. Yes my feelings had been hurt many times but each time it was dealt directly with the person that hurt me. When the Lord told me that it was time to go I listened and follow his calling out. I am so glad I was able to deal with the past and current hurt feelings so that my soul would not be poisoned by prolonged offense. Thank you writing this post again.
I think Christians are the most easily offended people, myself included, is they don’t understand the love of God. Religion takes God away from people, it put’s Him all the way up there in the sky, so distant and unattainable and we aren’t taught the truth about the Heart of God, ie, how he feels about us and our brothers and sisters. Religion distorts the character of Jesus Christ. It makes God out to be self righteous and shiny. Jesus Christ is God, always has been, but if He turned up at church in a way that could be seen, he’ be the guy with no shoes on and His shirt untucked, and we wouldn’t recognise Him. He is actually the most accessible person in the Universe, and His heart is for all people, only we don’t know it. We are so side tracked with ‘doctrines’ and who is right and who is wrong, and consequently there is a complete lack of love and grace. Christians are fearful, as I am, but I am being healed, because religion has seperated them from the Love of God.
Every Christian who is easily offended (that I’ve met) is confident that God loves them. I’m not sure this is the main root. One can know God’s love and still be very tied up with themselves. So it seems to me.
p.s. I’d recommend “From Eternity to Here” . . . it has set many free who doubted God’s love, regardless of the reasons. http://www.FromEternitytoHere.org
Sigh… I think I will read this every day… so much to learn and grow in this area. Thanks Frank for sharing. Appreciate it
In our gatherings we talk often about how we as the people of God are ONE army against a common enemy. We should fight for and with each other against this common enemy. We should never view another believer as an enemy or position ourselves against a human being no matter what they do to us or how they hurt us. We fight not against flesh and blood. Being offended is really falling victim to the deception that another human being is our enemy. This distracts us from realizing our vulnerability to our true enemy. Easy to understand, difficult to practice.
It is a fine line between having a tender heart and being overly sensitive to others negative words/actions. The amount of concern we have regarding others opinions or offenses toward us can be kept to an appropriate level by avoiding immediate reactions; reflecting with God on the reasons and motives of others to gleen any truth for our own benefit; examining others’ context for needs they have that we can meet; and finally after concluding that we have no fault, letting it go. As far as serial offenders, sometimes it’s important to avoid a relationship that is not healthy if resolution seems out of reach. If a repeat offender cannot be avoided, seek wisdom in how this challenge is building a new strength and resolve within.
amen Frank, only the flesh gets offended.
Frank, I was writing on this before I realized that you did. So, I added some of your bullet points on my blog and pointed the readers here. Blessings and well done!
Thanks, bro. Good post you have there. Hopefully less people will be “heart-hurt” as a result of reading it.
Can one be offended by a person who is making the name of Christ look bad? I’m quite often in contact with libertine Christians who tell the world that they ARE Christians, yet they have the opposite of good fruit. They never did anything to me personally, but at times I may go home and weep and ask God to forgive them.
I suppose by “can” you mean is it justified. Reread how I’m using the word “offended” in the post to mean and not mean, and you’ll have your answer to your own question.
Frank, I really appreciate these practical posts that deal with real body issues in such a gracious way. May we all remember that none of us are perfect and we will all do things at times that are insensitive to others, often without even realizing it. As you have said, may we assume the best of others’ intentions, listen more for each others’ meaning than specific offensive words, and remember to respond to others as we would want them to respond to us.
As long as we the Church allow the enemy to divid us with this basic weapon we will not have unity. The goodnews is I keep hearing this message. It is part of my heart cry for His Bride but I got the sense He is really directing this now in a new way and it is part of what under girds unity. Unity will be part of what speaks of our testimony to the world. The world oes not know this at all. It stops them in their tracks when we defend each other and defend unity. It is a demonstration of His supernatural love in our lives. It shocks them when believers refuse to believe bad things about each other. It takes work but so does walking on water, you can not take your eyes of Jesus!
Love…is not easily provoked. 1 Cor 13:5
And for the record, I stink at this in and of myself. That’s why I liked EA Bussey’s comment above.
What an excellent material, Frank … God bless you. One thought from me – if we understand and know how much we mean to Jesus, it is not easy to get offended. When you are loved by the most high God, other opinions do not matter. God’s opinion of you is the one that matters.
One of the things I teach often in professional seminars is that “attitudes are not assigned, they are chosen. So choose well and take responsibility for your responses.”
Wow, this is great stuff. I have been learning this a lot in the 4 months I have been married.
Point #2 is so true!!! I have seen people I thought were super mature turn into five-year olds the moment they are offended.
And point #6 is one I realize more and more each day. You can’t help feeling hurt. But you can help what you do with that hurt.
Great stuff!
Great post. This is what I’ve been trying to say to some of my brothers and sisters in Christ for years! And lo, and behold, if you don’t step on my own toes with it, too!
Thanks for your thoughts.
Great Post! I needed to hear this. I tend to be over-sensitive. I am learning to take my hurt to God instead of making it a friend. Thanks again Frank for sharing with us! I am learning so much.
Excellent post. Living through offenses is painful yet incredibly refining. I’ve found that giving God all the hurt and lack of understanding is always the best remedy.
Often I have to envision actually placing the “feelings” in His Hands and saying, “Hold this please, it’s too heavy and I don’t want it.” He always handles the situation much better than I could, but the outcome is usually delayed. Seems that in learning not to take offense we also learn a great deal about patience.
“What you do with a hurt is a choice you make.”
The whole post could’ve almost been summed up in that one sentence.
Truth.
In building a structure the material must be load tested to ensure the quality of the material.Offenses are the christian equivalent of load tests in my opinion.
Offenses will come, and as you stated with the prior approval of Jesus. Our response is to recognize the test, and seek his grace and strength to withstand the issue properly.
The life of Joseph serves as a sterling example of what Paul stated in Romans 8.
Great topic Frank!