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Frank Viola | Beyond Evangelical
Official Blog of Author & Speaker Frank Viola. Digging below the surface and moving beyond the shallows in today's Christianity.
The Dark Night of the Soul
One of the Greatest Influences on My Life & Ministry
FROG. Yes i have experinced this quite a lot and it is painful every time it has driven mme to desperation and strong weeping and brokenness beyond belief.I at the present time while writing this am going through it and each time all i am able to do is cry out like a little child and beg and plead with God and say Lord ,Holy Spirit please come back ,weird almost like losing a lover or best friend and grieving ,please i would ask that people dont critisize me on this ,all i know is it has caused me to be desperate for Him and longing to have His nearnessso much even though i sin and fail to keep my promises of never grieving Him i really am not able to put into words what im feeling just to say i long for the reality of who He is and feel so alone and just keep crying out for His love,for Him ,i realize that none of this makes any sense but it is true there are times where my desire and hunger for Him is sky rocketed and intense groaning and pain will happen to just want Him and this has been there for like the last 2 years whereby this insatiable hunger is there.I have no other way to go except toward Him and He is all i have anyway,this is my experiences and so im finished,God bless,sincerely,Chafshalom.
I know what the dark night is.
It is horribleness.
It will conjure up the most awful thoughts about yourself.
Each time, whether it lasted a few days or weeks or once, about a year; I was a woman in mourning who could not be consoled by anything or any other then God.
I feel I “mastered” the dark night, (if there ever could be such a thing), by learning to:
1) Treat grief as my friend; and
2) Not letting myself question what I knew to be true.
This – was – work; a real difficult work…
Always, when the dark is gone, there is no great “fanfare” as with Job; just a continuing on with Abba/Jesus/H.S.
One Scripture that God gave me after a dark night period, was, Jer.12: 5 (NKJV) (God speaking)
“ If you have run with the footmen, and they have wearied you, then how can you contend with horses? And if in the land of peace, in which you trusted, they wearied you, then how will you do in the floodplain (thicket) of the Jordan?”
I assumed from this verse that the dark night is meant for my good; to strengthen my resolve to follow God.
Other words God gave me, after the great fight, were written by Habakkuk.
Hab. 3: 17, 18
“Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls—”
(This is the dark night)
“Yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I WILL joy in the God of my salvation.
The LORD GOD IS my strength;
HE WILL make my feet like deer’s feet,
And HE WILL make me walk on my high hills.”
In the dark night I say, “I WILL/THE LORD GOD IS/HE WILL. Then work with Grief as she tends to me in my this, indeed, very – dark – place.
As I write these words and remember the horribleness, I’m frantic. I’m frantic that this test will come again. I hate it so. But H.S. helps me and I remember what Peter said regarding Jesus; (Acts 2), (Ps.16: 10)
“For You will not leave my soul in Sheol,
Nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption.”
In these words I too will hope; though right now my heart remembers and breaks again for the “loss” of those times. Those dark nights are truly the worst memories of my spiritual journey; and I am one who has lost much for the sake of God’s Kingdom.
Lauren,
When I read your post, my heart was just broken for you. I remember when I first started being consciously aware of God’s presence, that I would also be acutely aware when I couldn’t sense His presence. More than once I freaked out, thought I must have blasphemed the Holy Spirit or something, and that I would never have Him near me again. Thankfully, this was nowhere near true.
The Lord gave you an invitation to confess certain things to Him. When you dug in your heals and refused, you lost your sense of His nearness… But I am sure my beloved sister that He is nowhere near “done with you!” No way!! But your fear that he is done with you makes it hard for you to rest and receive His forgiveness. I’m sure you’ve asked, I’m sure you’ve gone back and confessed whatever it was you didn’t want to confess to Him that night, right? If not, meet Him there. But don’t freak if you don’t feel anything right away… Believe me, over and over I and many others have thought He left us and in no way shape or form did He leave us. He wants to draw you near again.. do you hear that Lauren? He is SO LONGING to have you close to Him! He died for you sis! He’s not ready to give up on you!
I would love to be your friend and walk with you through any of this… Frank knows me and I hope that he would allow us to connect through this blog post – I would love to be your friend and sister as much as you would be interested in having that.
~ heathercreature at yahoo dot com
Thank you, very much. I am glad to hear that there is an entire chapter on the subject in your new book and look forward to reading it.
This is my first visit to your site, but I don’t think it will be my last.
Similar to another commenter on this post, unable to communicate with God and desperate for answers, I entered “not listening to God” into Google search, and somehow came upon your site.
Lauren: You’re most welcome. That’s great! You can check out the archives at the very top of the page and see other posts. And also subscribe if you wish. Many blessings to you.
FROG
Hello, I know that this post is several years old, but I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your article. Though I would not ever wish for anyone else to go through this, it does provide me some hope, that maybe I can still be saved.
Whilst I certainly was not a “model” Christian, matter of fact, at the onset of my “dark night,” I was pretty far from it. Nonetheless, my faith in the Lord was solid. I had NO doubts about my relationship with God, and that Jesus Christ died for my sins.
With that comfort, despite my disobedience, I was actually beginning to spend more time in constant prayer with God.
I remember the night before I entered into my “dark night,” vividly. The night before I felt the DISTINCT ABSENCE of God, and the complete and utter devastation, loneliness, and HORROR of which.
This might sound “cooky” but…
That night, I went to bed with a prayer to God, one which I delivered silently with my palms firmly clasped together and held close to my face, with tears streaming down my face , soaking the pillow upon which I lay.
I wept to the Lord, that the guilt of hiding my sin, was too much for me to bear. I told Him that I couldn’t do it anymore.
I had been unfaithful, the guilt for this and the lies I told to hide it was immense, impossible for me to ignore anymore.
I acknowledged to God that I knew He had been telling me to put an end to this, to stop all the lies, and to confess.
But I told the Lord I was too ashamed to confess. Still in a heavy bout of tears, I told God I don’t want to, and– (!) I asked if I could just swallow it all up and die with it. (!)
The next morning, when I woke up, it was like God was GONE. Gone from me at least.
I didn’t feel like I even existed anymore. I felt as if I had no soul. No one could hear me. My prayers to God felt as if they were snuffed out. Like I was talking to myself. They went no where.
It has gone on for years now actually. In the beginning I didn’t know what would become of me. But for some reason God still lets me live. I really think at sometimes, I will never again feel like God knows who I am. I reluctantly have accepted this fate, for “this life.”
But I am really afraid that He will not know me, even in the next. Eons and eons? Have I really been banished by God? Am I the son of perdition?
I don’t know how I let this become of me. How could I do this? How could I be such a failure? I was loved by God, and I failed him. Failed God?!
It is a fear of unimaginable magnitude. Faith? Do I even have any, or am I just fooling myself?
I do pray that He is still there for me, and that I can come back to him. But when your prayers don’t even make a sound within my own heart, how can I not question it? Am I even more of a fool, further angering God by “pretending” He is still there?
It is terrible. I feel pathetic and unworthy. I am so sorry for upsetting God so much that He would give up on me, and I hope that I can be reunited with Him.
Lauren: Thanks for posting. How did you find that blog post?
Interesting timing. I just released a new book called REVISE US AGAIN and dedicate an entire chapter to the felt-presence of God and the “dark night.” It’s all new material. You can check the book out here: http://www.ptmin.org/books – I believe the chapter will be of help to you.
Hi, Frank–I get an e-mail notification when someone has responded to this thread. Actually had totally forgotten about it until Tanner’s post popped up.
Jo and Tanner: A question for each of you. This post is almost 2 years old. So I’m quite curious how each of you found it today.
btw/ you can check out the Archives page cataloging the most popular blog posts from today backwards at http://frankviola.wordpress.com/archives/
Thanks for answering my question.
Tanner…
I don’t know if any of us are truly spiritually worthy. I mean, if you are ‘in Christ’, you have been made worthy. That’s the good news of the gospel. It doesn’t have anything to do with your behavior or calling–it just is.
I do think that the dark night, while terrible in experience, is tremendous in significance.
In some odd yet important way, it is a gift. Maybe that realization is what made it tolerable for me. I had read about St. John of the Cross and his dark night long before I ever experienced my own. I was mentally prepared in some way.
There is none more godly than you, Tanner, for how can godliness be measured by mere man? It is a gift from God…received, put on, worn as one’s own second skin for the keeping…yet still a gift. The measure of the gift is connected to the one who has given it–not to how well it fits us or how often we wear it or how well.
Peace
I suppose I’m posting a bit late, but I felt compelled to do so. You’re average non-christian experiencing a “dark night of the soul” would refer to it as depersonalization disorder, “DP”. I was convinced that DP was what I was experiencing and hadn’t drawn any connecting lines between it and God. It felt as though I was losing my grip on reality, I had no sense of self, like my soul or mind or whatever it was that made me me, had disappeared. I felt as though I was observing myself go through life from a distance. I was seriously considering the possibility that I was possessed and being kept at arms length from my self/soul by some evil entity – much less dramatic than “The Exorcist” but far more frightening.
It’s extremely difficult for me to articulate the sensations associated with this experience, but I’m able identify almost immediately by someone else’s descriptions whether or not we were going through the same thing.
It wasn’t until I found this blog, and scrolled through some of these posts, that I made the connection. I’m not all that spiritual. I’m not a substance abuser. I haven’t experienced much trauma, and certainly not recently. I’m not a very good christian, not that it’s a contest, but I don’t go to church and I don’t partake in fellowship – aside from reading the bible on occasion and my generic nightly prayer I don’t really have a relationship with God. Yet, when I found this post, it just all made sense, the lights went on and realization and emotion washed over me.
There were a few posters, Kevin in particular, that really touched me. I cried when I read his post, because part of my generic nightly prayer (preceding this “dark night”) was for humility. I prayed for it over and over, almost afraid of what might happen. I understand now that this was most definitely God’s work. One thing I’m still confused about – this seems to have been a trial, a tribulation, a challenge for the spiritually worthy. Why me? I’m not a pastor. I’m not on a religious journey. I just feel like this sort of thing should only happen to people more Godly than myself …yet here I am. Thank you Frank, for being here, and I suppose I should thank God as well. Take care,
Tanner
Lulu,
No matter what seems to be happening, just know that God has a plan for you that is better than anything you could ever plan for yourself. As heartbreaking as your life feels right now,
it will get better. Learn to take excellent care of yourself, chose to do what is most loving for yourself, whether it is a walk in nature, a cup of green tea, or learning about holistic medicine. Your life truly is in God’s hands and your experience is personal to you, but you are part of a huge group of spiritually evolutionary people who have suffered and lived the questions into the future. You are so right that you will never be the same after this. But, you will have learned some of the greatest lessons of your life. Eventually, you will know that you wouldn’t have wanted to not experience this time in your life.
Prayer and meditation will bring you some peace now. Be gentle and kind to yourself.
My experience being in this dark night is just terrible. It is so bad that I can’t even function in this world like I used to. I dread the day and every single day is pure agony. This is such a profound experience of severe suffering. I have to fervently pray to God every day to get me through. It is not easy. God did show me a brighter day while I was sleeping. But now my life feels so hopeless and I am suffering from severe symptoms of depression. I know I will never be the same after this. I’m going to have to just leave my life in God’s hands and surrender. That is all I can do.
Greetings with peace and love in Jesus name!
As I have read many of the responses to this very interesting topic, I’ve come across a commonality amongst both the original post and the answers given here. That is, many are trying to deal with the Spirit, rather than let the Holy Spirit deal with the person.
I have had a “Dark Night” and as many of you have had, so I had the response to fight against such feelings of confusion and loneliness. As it turns out, it works much like a Chinese finger-trap. The more we strain to pull out of the fire we’re being tested by, the more it will envelop our souls. I do know the comforts for me were worship music, prayer and reading the Bible. Also, during this time I had very little desire for food. Fasting was an involuntary outworking of this experience.
The compounding fear of people thinking you’re crazy, is one of many fears whilst enduring this time. This stands to further suggest we are to be alone during this time. Also, the recognition of the depravity of the spirit of the age will become increasingly clear. However, if you have a very close loved one who is wise and mature in the Holy Spirit, this can be a great aid, as they may be able to relate with the terrors that is seemingly enveloping you’re every thought.
The best information I can pass to you regarding this, is to know that the Lord is actually drawing near to you. It feels as though you are being stripped of your senses, but that is simply your flesh being shut down, kind of similar to power sectors during a black out. one by one, the roots of you sensual nature are being stripped away, drawing you closer and closer to seeing yourself as the Lord sees you. You will feel very raw and vulnerable nearing the end of this trial, however it is necessary, in order for you to truly be brought to your knees in abandonment before the Lord. You will know much better the complexity and sacredness of your heart, as the Lord intends.
As I understand it, since the Lord is working with a soul, molding, shaping and refining it to draw nearer the Holy Place, it remains a mystery to the amount of time it will last before it passes or the ways in which he will lead.
Walking in the desert of the soul is necessary for us to reach where the Lord wants us. Often I have wondered how I can make myself closer to God, the answer is, its not in our power to make these spiritual leaps, but rather we can only clear the way for our lives to be transformed by prayer, worship and reading God’s word.
Once you have committed all that you are to the Lord, hold on as i will not always be rainbows and butterflies. God is not so much concerned with our comfort as he is with our eternal destiny and the purity of our hearts, which will eventually be saturated with unbridled joy.
WE are the creation, HE is the creator. Let him purify your heart and simply be willing to follow. Remember when you were a child and you saw something impacting, such as a trailer for a horror movie and the feeling to stirred within your soul. It was a shock-wave of fear, something had been stolen from you. You were led to a place of knowing that everything isn’t as right with the world as you had previously felt. We live in times of sinister hate, greed and perversion. We are driving the bus of humanity toward the cliff at breakneck speed and no one but the Lord knows exactly how this will end. Many of the people you see every day are as frogs put unto a pot of warm water and the heat is slowing being turned up. Many fear to jump out of the proverbial water out of fear. It is no wonder that when the Lord draws us from the water our minds feel as though everything is wrong, because our minds are unable to contemplate the function the Lord is doing with our souls.
God bless.
Frank is right, depression is not the same. Even in that state, we can hear much from our Savior. Nor does it happen when we walk away from Him. Usually, one is in His service at the time .
Many of the old saints have written about this and I think that it helps to read their accounts while we ourselves are walking through this. Actually, if you have not gone through this stage in your journey, I suggest you read up now. ( because, you will)
If you are in this place, take heart dear saint…you are in the best of company .
Blessings, Lynne
Frog: I read the book, by Madam Guyon who I believe is the 16th century writer, a Catholic nun who began to receive what seemed to me to be a very ascetic view of walking out the gospel. Yet, I have also read the lamentations of Jeremiah and the complaints of Elijah, so I believe the concept may be valid in measure. In her book there seemed to be no measure lol. ” Though I walk thru the valley of death I will fear no evil for thou art with me”.
I recently stumbled onto your site and have been blessed by what I’ve read so far. Especially your comments about the ascension gifts of Ephesians 4, the priesthood of the believer and the body of Christ. Sticking new wineskin monikers on old wineskin functions is sort of futile. Praise God it is His plan not ours. We bear witness and He facilitates by the Spirit if we “stay low” and serve one another in love. Grace and peace be multiplied unto you, in the name of God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
http://www.deepcallsuntodeep.webs.com
Well…. I just experienced what you would call a dark night. Though it was not night. I actually googled complete darkness in relation to Jesus to see if I was the only one. For me… I have only experienced it intensely twice in the past 4 years. It has never lasted…at it’s peak…. more then 10 minutes. Might sound crazy. But I literally feel as though I am in hell. I don’t always “feel” His presence. That is normal. But this isn’t a lack of “feeling.” It is complete darkness. An absence of light. I am not sure what my 2 brushes with this have in common. But there is this complete darkness that envelopes me. All life seems hopeless. I am brought to my knees in tears and anger. I beg God to let me die. I feel as though I never again will feel joy. It is the most horrible thing to experience. Now I am not a big mystic. I follow my Lord and love Him. I have no idea what brings these on and why they occur. I only know that they pass. Maybe I experience it to realize the complete hopelessness of a non-Christian….I don’t know. It feels as though I am to unclean, to loathe some for God to look upon. I feel as though I am lost forever. And then I cry out…yell….beg….and then it lifts. I don’t know what it means, I don’t know why it happens. I only know it is hell. And if my bit of hell is so terrible… i don’t want to give up the fight for those in this world. I will fight the enemy more diligently then before. he will not win.
FROG
I stopped trying to connect with God and asked Him to connect with me. I asked Him as often as I thought about it, sometimes every day, sometimes I would go a few days without asking…what I found was that when I relaxed about it, quit all the “trying” (which in my case was driven by anxiety and religious rituals, i think,) He connected with me in really simple and unexpected ways. And many of them did not involve anything particularly “spiritual”, but were ordinary, simple things encountered in my daily life, like a pretty bird at my feeder, a beautiful baby smiling at me at the grocery store.
FROG!
The classical explanation of the dark night of the soul is when the sensing of God’s presence is removed for a time of testing. Evelyn Underwood discusses it in her book on Mysticism.
It seems to me that those of us who are more mystical in our spirituality tend to experience this dark night of the soul, and other personality types never get to, and don’t get it.
I’ve read some of the other’s comments in reply here, and recognize elements of my own experience in them.
One of the reasons behind the dark night of the soul is a matter of faith and trust. Do we have faith in God because we can sense his presence or do we have faith in God even when we can’t sense his presence? Jesus said he would be with us to the ends of the earth, that all who the Father gives him he will never lose. Do we really believe that? Can we trust God without knowing he is here with us? Can we have a faith in God that is without sensing? It is like a blind person accepting that there is color, when he has never seen colors.
This dark night of the soul lasts until we really learn to trust, to have faith in God, no matter what!
I’ve been through a number of dark nights. I am a very mystical person, and through many years have learned to be more pratical and less idealistic (a curse of a mystical personality is abject idealism).
I have cried out of my dark, deep abyss, “God where are YOU?” Only to hear silence back.
I have stood on the abyss of the final jump, ready to end it all. Only to be held back. Finally, after totally giving up, the light shined in my soul, it was enough, it was time to return to the light.
From all my times of darkness and silence, I know that God is here. I know he has never left me, nor forsaken me. I know that I am faithless, and he is ever faithful. I KNOW!
This is not reasoning, It is not a doctrine I drew up. I know HIM, I know he has been with me.
The poem Footprints in the Sand, is all nice, but it is wrong! As I look back over my life I see only one set of footprints after my conversion. Only one set. Before my conversion there were two, mine and Jesus trying to get me to see him beside me.
After my conversion there is only one set of footprints, HIS. He has been carying me all along. I now know that I have never done a single days work for Christ. I am his work. He created me. Everything I have ever done in Him was his work, and not mine. My very life is his work.
My dark nights have proven this to me and made it clear to me. My faith is based on his work alone, and not on any prayer I’ve prayed, or doctrine I’ve believed or concocted myself. It is not based on some image I hold in my mind of who or what God is. It is based on his work, his touch in my life alone.
When I doubt or the enemy of my soul questions me, says “You’re not saved, look what you did.” I can in all truth say, I am saved not because of what I do or don’t do, I am saved because of Christ’s work for me and in me alone.
The only way to get through a dark night of the soul experience it to go through it. This is a time of testing, a time of proving, of tasting and seeing that the Lord is good. All of our doubts come to the top during these times. All of our anger, frustrations, disappointments. And God meets us there, takes them all on himself. He makes no excuses and asks for none. He just is there, even though we can’t sense his presence. Later after we come out of the dark night, we can see that truth. After that experience the shadow of the valley of death is like noon day sun.
Not that I am a batman fan or anything, but when I commented on this posting a few days ago, I kept writing out “Dark Knight” rather than “Dark Night!” Next time, you gotta pick an easier term to write about Frank 😉
This might sound weird, but I’ve had this happen in 30 minute bursts. Not a dry spell, but “God does not exist, and this is all elaborate wishful thinking. I’ve been collaborating in a massively orchestrated, open-ended story.” The first time it happened I woke up looking at one of my bookcases (I could wake up in any room of my house and have a bookcase by the first thing I see! 🙂 ), and feeling the utter absence of God.
What (if anything) has this run parallel to? A ten-year struggle against an immovable object in my life that limits my full flourishing as a human being – a struggle that much of the time seems futile. (Not to be a tease, but I’ll be blogging about this in the coming month)
Where am I now? I’m going okay. I’m discovering, particularly, a relationship with the Holy Spirit-as-Comforter in a very different way than I ever have, either in my Pentecostal years or my past 10 years ‘outside the camp’ in ‘organic’ church world.
My experience is probably unusual, mostly for its duration, and if for this reason it falls outside the rubric of what you (and other posters here) mean be a ‘dark night’ that’s fine by me. But I personally feel that it’s different than a mere ‘dry spell’ because of its utter starkness, intermittent though it may be.
FROG: I am learning to be computer savy so bear with me. I am learning about House church while reading all these books . I believe this is God and looking to find my place with my family. I am responding to the DARK place that the friend is experiencing. I have not had this experience , I am still striving for intimacy with my lord with real communication, fellowship and communion on a daily basis. Those who have that are the ones who at times experience the DARK times. I believe this a time when God is testing and is allowing an opportunity to go panting after him again in all earnest. He wants the heart pumping fast with all attention and focus on him. This would prevent taking him for granted and help keep things fresh. He is there!
hey william,
your post moved me to tears. for you and, for your wife. i dont’ know you, have never met you and probably never will, but i love you both. you sound like my husband, and me, and my heart breaks for you. and her. 1ozmom is right, words sound trite, but all i have to give you is prayer, so i will. peace
FROG
#1
after reading all the comments, i think this explains where i have been and am. i have been married for 20 years to a bipolar, add, compulsive and anxiety ridden addict. before we were married, i had no clue, but over the years things were exposed, worsened and eventually explained. but out lives have been…. turmiol nad instability are the words hat come to mind, but gramatically they are not right. anyway. i have been treated for depression, even though i was not really depressed. it was not , as you said, emotional or mental (although they did factor in), but deeply spiritual. i have felt abandoned and left alone to deal with this, by god. i have always know he was there, that he loves me, etc…, but it never felt real in my life. i thought i was expecting too much to be like everyone else. there were times when i wanted to just die, to be rid of all the crap and heavyness. and when the mental illness diagnosis came i felt abandoned by the church family that we had been a part of for more than seven years. so we left. and had i had no more friends. but it’s not depression, because i can go to work, i can function and i can be happy and sad, but i feel empty. i long for the love i read about in the work of brennan manning. that is where i glimpsed the first ray of hope. that this was not permanent. i think i’m on the upswing, i faintly hear god calling me back. maybe it was me being angry, i don’t know, but the posts here feel right to me. i know i’m not the only one. thanks everyone.
#2
music is the best way for me to feel connected to god. it wrenches my heart and i hear god there. also the psalms…145, i found that this morning. and all the places where david poured out his heart. and the writing of brennan manning. he gives me hope and makes me feel not alone. i like that.
thanks, frank, for asking. and everyone else for sharing.
peace
Every person here, no matter what you think of yourself right now, please know that God does Love you exactly as you are.
William, my heart aches for you. I’ll be praying for you sounds trite, but I will.
http://www.austin-sparks.net/english/001159.html
just wanted to add this, I thought it might give another perspective.
I can say one other thing that sometimes has helped when I can’t find the Lord’s presence on my own – is to be around other believers. This doesn’t always work, especially when I start to rely on other believers to bring God to me.. But I have at times been utterly surprised to be suddenly deeply aware of God’s presence as it pours through others worshipping the Lord, and found the Lord comforting me as well.
William-
I so appreciate your transparency. After reading your post, I find myself aching to give you words of comfort…and yet I have none.
I do, though, have great hope for you. Not in the sense that “oh, one day he’ll get it” like it is somehow your fault that you are struggling now. No, I have great hope–certainty and expectation–that the crucible you are in will one day be the crown you wear and the crown you cast down before Him.
Dear brother, can I add one thought? He chose you for FULL salvation, otherwise there would be no struggle, no unrest regarding those sexual thoughts, etc. LET THE BURDEN BE ON HIM who chose you.
I am alongside,
Jo
!!!! Hmm, for some reason my former post didn’t post, so here it is! I’m giving it another try…:
As for the very first question, I am constantly very distracted so I must confess I don’t make my way over here all too often, especially as blogging over a long-term basis seems to be rather chaotic and I never know when there will be another blog. Facebook has helped with this, but still I’m busy sometimes. However I don’t think it’s caused me to really miss much. I’ve still been keeping track.
Now, as for the dark night of the soul, my description of that phase of my life could not make sense without its context:
I had been reading a great deal about this stage of the Christian life from authors such as Madame Guyon and Oswald Chambers and George MacDonald (not sure how much I had read yet from the latter) but had not read much from St. John of the Cross. I knew that this is what I could expect, although I did not truly realize how bad it could get.
The thing that encouraged me was knowing how close I could get to my God. For years, since I was a child I would say, I had been continually getting closer to God. I wasn’t very religious, mind you, I mean I couldn’t say I had a regular Bible-reading habit although at times I voraciously consumed scripture… nor did I make a conscious habit of praying, but it did seem often that I was led to pray, especially as I walked through nature in my later teens… at a very young age, perhaps 8, I wrote a rather vivid account of Christ’s death the essence of which surprises me to this day… I think I had a rather good understanding of his death, which affected much of my poetry later on.
Then I began encountering a revolution in my faith. I had been encouraged in youth group to seek God with all that I am, and we often had meetings that were very genuinely disrupted by the Holy Spirit in which any one of us could be ministering and no one knew what would happen. This became rather common. I began having very many visions at this point and experienced great pools of joy that I would just drown in.
Well these times of intensity became fewer and far in-between. I wouldn’t say that my sense of God’s Spirit left so much as it became dissipated throughout my being. It became more regular, more simple, so to speak. It was at this point that I began questioning much of what I had been taught and at the same time began exploring spiritual landscapes I had never even heard of, much less experienced. But I was extremely hungry for more.
Soon I began to have an intense yearning that others would experience this, too, and became preoccupied in a way with sharing this with the world. I felt that God was telling me to move toward this, too, in the way of preparation. Much of my spiritual world was being completely restructured, but I felt light-years closer to God than I ever had before. It was less like I was encountering someone completely unlike myself and more like someone I knew intimately.
Of course, I was still subject to all kinds of what we would call sins. I was still troubled by temptations, though usually of a more subtle kind, as old temptations began to fade away… so I continued to seek refuge in God. I tried and tried and tried to bring my whole self into God’s courts. I would be satisfied with no less. I knew that nothing else was even worth a moment of thought. I was reading Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost For His Highest and remembered my dad saying that there are a few who continually dwelt in the Holy of Holies in which we are all welcome, and he felt that Chambers was probably one of them. I strove for that with all my being.
The more I tried, though, the more I realized how little I actually meant it, how much I did want to cling to life as I knew it. But I didn’t stop at this point, I just kept crying out to God all the more to help me give myself away to Him. I remember walking to church once wondering how to find the overcoming life where struggle would seem to cease.
I remember the moment it all fell apart: actually, there were a few of those moments, once after grieving about how I had approached the issue of abortion though it was a personal subject for someone, questioning everything and then finding the presence of God after throwing away all my preconcieved logic and every bit of theology I had ever learned.
Well, I had been debating on an atheistic message board and kept coming to my wits’ end, realizing that my own thoughts were not enough. I decided to take a risk that what I believed was not true and it felt like falling into a black hole.
Around the same time I began realizing how true it was that it cannot be us trying to live the Christian life. He had to live it through us. My job was to stop and just let Him be what He is inside of me.
Then that moment came. I had fits of darkness and light alternating. One moment I was fine, reading a book of postmodern poetry in the library, the next I was walking across the street and all of a sudden what felt like complete and utter darkness swallowed me up. I would never be the same after that.
I felt like there was no meaning in life, nothing holding anything together. I felt completely and utterly lost. I did not feel like I had a handle on anything. I felt like a complete outsider.
I remember going home and writing lines that went something like,
“A person should be able to go to church with marker on his face
Without stabbing stares
gliding down over hawk-like noses.”
My parents asked me if I wanted to go to a particular church with them, but I declined. I just didn’t feel like I was a part of any of it.
From then on I could never recover the feeling of being a ‘Christian’. To me, I was one of them, one of the sea of humanity, and I simply didn’t know what to make of Christianity.
Did I believe in God? Of course! It’s impossible that that could’ve changed in a hearbeat like that. But I didn’t feel like I had anything to do with it.
This feeling was interrupted from time to time by feelings of God’s grace, but this time much much simpler, more delicate, less accompanied by contrived thoughts and feelings and more by a lack of self. There was, so to speak, more emptiness to be filled.
I was getting ready to be a camp counselor up in Washington state (I live in Texas and was invited there by somebody I’d met over the net) and was still trying to give my life completely away to God. I had already been given the reassurance that this would happen, mind you, through visions and the like but I simply couldn’t stand the feeling of not being “utterly changed into fire,” as the lyrics of the song I’m listening to now go.
I was so distraught that a scream erupted out of my throat in the middle of the youth pastor speaking! I wouldn’t have disrupted the service ordinarily but it seemed like I couldn’t help it. (This is the same youth pastor whom I told that I couldn’t move from where I was sitting one time I was so internally conflicted.)
After this I realized that I couldn’t give my life away to Him! Only He could do it! This was both my greatest failure and my greatest triumph. I finally saw why it was so hard before. Because I wasn’t meant to do it! I could only acquiesce to His requests to take from me what little bits that He could as He asked for them.
My job was, in short, to tie the sacrifice down to the altar so that it would not move when the consuming fire came. But the tying in and of itself is a long process which the Master had not wanted to interrupt by trying to explain everything right away.
So at this point this purification which had actually been going on all along was beginning to become conscious. And instead of being painful, it was delightful! I was learning lessons all the time. Each day would be a different lesson to learn, and eventually every hour! My thoughts would automatically drift to whatever He was trying to teach me like a magnet to the North Pole, no matter what I was currently thinking about. All my circumstances would line up to teach me that one lesson.
Fast-forward toward the end of this journey where I was living in Seattle. I had had a very rough go of it, my fellow counselors were experiencing drama with each other and I was not the most favored (they all liked me but I was quite incapable of being near as responsible as one might expect) and I felt all summer that someone I had missed God’s perfect will. At the end I was forced to leave camp and find somewhere to go. I found a gracious family (the daughter of which I had also known over the net) whom was willing to take me in, but alas I couldn’t find a job and my feelings of inadequacy only seemed to be growing day by day. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right, that I was completely and utterly irresponsible and worthy of disrespect and that perhaps I was the most pathetic person that existed.
These times of darkness were interrupted by maybe one or two distinct experiences of God’s presence (where I truly felt Jesus comforting me that He was inside me and it would all be okay) and some less distinct ones earlier on when I would take solitary walks. God kept me strong through all of this, but still I felt horrible most of the time to the point of getting physically sick.
My friend contacted me telling me that he had a dream with me in it, where we were in school learning, and afterwards when we went to our lockers I got out a wheelchair and sat down in it. He asked me why I was doing that and I said, “Because I need it.”
Immediately I knew what that meant and thanked him for speaking the right word at just the right time. I went on a walk that day and felt I would only be gone a couple of hours. It turned out to be three whole days.
Many things happened on this journey, full of spiritual upheaval and again feelings of physical sickness, but in the end it turned out alright, and I realized that I wasn’t afraid to die anymore.
No longer was I interested in myself. I simply wanted to go back “home” and let everyone know I was okay (I had felt many people praying for me) and just love everyone. No longer did I want to do anything great, or be a tremendous person, or perform great miracles. I simply observed that I was nothing, that I could not even think about myself anymore, and that the love of God inside of me was longing to be released to the world around me.
I also recall feeling around this time such a distinct presence of God that it was amazing. It was so simple and dense of a presence that it felt completely physical. It scared me because I almost thought it wasn’t personal, until I realized later that what I had thought was ‘personal’ was really a manifestation of the self nature which was puffed up. That river that was flowing through me was so sweet, so serene, so beautiful and delightful that I missed that it was the very Spirit of God pouring out of the heart of the Father.
The best I can come close by analogy to describing it is like literal sweet water flowing through your body.
And here I am today. All I know is that my world has been swallowed up by Yahweh. I know that I am from God in the same way that everything is from God, because God is all in all, and he has made peace through his magnificent blood with everything. I am completely secure in him. I don’t even have to worry about leaving, anymore than a fish would have to worry about leaving the sea, as Madame Jeanne Guyon put it.
“The Spirit of God witnesses to the simple almighty security of the life hid with Christ in God and this is continually brought out in the Epistles. We talk as if it were the most precarious thing to live the sanctified life; it is the most secure thing, because it has Almighty God in and behind it.”
“To have a master and to be mastered is not the same thing. To have a master means that there is one who knows me better than I know myself, one who is closer than a friend, one who fathoms the remotest abyss of my heart and satisfies it, one who has brought me into the secure sense that he has met and solved every perplexity and problem of my mind. To have a master is this and nothing less – ‘One is your Master, even Christ.'”
-Oswald Chambers
I would say the entire process lasted, well… it’s really hard to define, Frank. I’m not precisely sure when it began and when it ended, as the transitions from one stage to another were so very subtle. However, if I were to give a roundabout idea I would probably say a year or two. Unless you want to count the time since then. It hasn’t been all hunky-dory since that time of finality where I feel like my soul was finally released into God’s hands. There’s still something left… and that was five years ago this fall. However, I feel that I am God’s simply because I know that I am His (and not the other way around). I have a deep sensation inside my spirit of being strongly rooted in Him with a foundation that was built by Him and not by me. I’m utterly unmoveable now simply because I allowed Him to change me.
I thank you for reminding me of all this, too… sometimes I forget and I do still fall, although any sin is external and not something that is true to my soul, mere habits at the very most and nothing that I mean to do. (Not sure if you would consider that sin or not, but it’s not an issue to me.)
I can’t say there’s any one method that brings me closer to God besides just wanting to. I mean there are ways to do it but it seems they change every time. (I’m thinking right now of how Aslan said in Prince Caspian that nothing happens the same way twice…) It has literally been something different for me in every stage of my life. Sometimes it was writing poetry, sometimes reading about Him, sometimes praying to Him, sometimes music, sometimes walking through nature, sometimes meditation, and sometimes meeting with His children.
I think any way that works for you is fine. The most important thing I would say is wanting to. Stirring up one’s emotions by remembering what God did before for us and longing to be a part of what he will do in the future, all while flinging those off as less important even than what he’s trying to say to us right now in that still small voice.
However, I’d say the most effective method to date would be unifying with brothers and sisters in Christ regardless of denomination or background simply worshipping Him in Spirit and in Truth, banging on instruments sometimes, focusing on Him, loving Him, worshipping, everyone equally ministering, ending in prayer for one another, and often a meal and talks. Those meetings have never failed to illicit a sense of God’s presence for me, and I never forgot them while I was journeying alone.
I had to say also that I was reading back through this and I think that Jodi’s story touched me the most. Such a sweet experience of Christ! Such a sweet sharing of His Love. I feel that you have gone through a longer period of darkness simply because you have had such an intimate experience with Him. “To whom much is given, much will be required.” And I would add, “Those to whom much is given are able to take much more (or give much more).”
Also, after reading over my own testimony, I don’t feel that I said enough about my three-day walk. I feel that I walked through hell itself. I could not think one solitary thought. Everything was divided up inside of me, it was like a literal fire in my very soul, in my psyche… I couldn’t grasp upon anything for salvation, I felt like I was choking and wanted to fling myself into the water.
However, he found me, alone there, laying there snivelling, a snotty-nosed child in the cold wind by a tree in the park, hoping to his God that he would remember him and save him even after all that he had done, even after how faithless he had become… I had even prayed I would go to hell before… but he was there and he counted me worthy because I was his son.
When I stopped trying to repent because I realized I just wanted to feel good again, I just let go and let His presence take over. That was true repentance. I realize now that the act of repentance wasn’t even getting up to go tell everyone I was okay… it was the letting go and finding the Savior of the World at the bottom of the deepest pit in this world.
I Love Him, so much! His Love is Everlasting, and when we want to cling to shallow things for fear of the deep abyss into which we might fall, we should pray instead, “Oh, I KNOW that you are ALL in ALL! That you are at the bottom of this long pit, and if I will only let go I will find myself in your lap!”
How kind he is! How impossible it is to be separated from his eternal Love! How unspeakably passionate and gracious He is, forever and ever!
No wonder we will never stop praising…! I can’t stop right now!!!
And even if he abandoned me to the fires forever, my tongue could not stop singing His praises… oh thank you, thank you for reminding me of this! How much I’m growing just remembering!
Let’s all go show the ones we love just how much we love them, and do things for them, or give them hugs, or tell them how much He loves them… surely He’s calling us all to do something great like that.
~May His Love never end~
Justin
I started to say that this happened to me during my depressed years (http://dmeans.blogspot.com/2009/04/bondage-of-depression-part-1.html) but that would not be entirely accurate. During those times, I had moved away from God, but He was ever present, waiting for my return like the Father of the prodigal son.
The only time this ‘dark night of the sould’ has actually happened to me was in response by God to something He was working out of my life, and it was for something He wanted to work into my life.
It felt as if He left me high and dry. No power, no strength, no ability to understand His word a functional manner that I could explain it (His word) to some one else, no ability to work in His name. In addition to this powerlessness, He specifically removed (or was in the process of removing) something He had provided me, and given it to another.
I finally understood what David meant and what he was feeling when he said “do not take your Holy Spirit from me … ” (Ps 51:11).
It is difficult to explain the sorrow you have in this circumstance. To know that you have truly grieved God, and that every time we sin we grieve God in the same manner. If He allowed us to fully understand the grief we cause Him through our sin, we’d never get any of His work done due to the sorrow we would carry moment by moment.
Throughout this time, God kept reminding me of the story of Moses pleading for the Hebrews (Numbers 14:11-20) in order to change His mind regarding what He said He would do. So, that’s what I did. I got on my knees and pleaded my case, and reminded God of His mercy and grace. In the end, He restored every thing that He had taken away. This is not something that I ever want to experience again, and it has for ever changed my actions and attitudes regarding the life I live in Christ.
(57 year old) FROG
Dark night of the soul……
My journey with God over the past five years has been one of healing, restoration, and freedom. As Jesus said he would do when quoting the profit Isaiah (Isaiah 61:1) in Luke 4:18; “…He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed.”(NKJV)
Through the healing and freedom the “closeness” of my walk with God has been ever increasing; much as a son growing, loving, and maturing in the presence of his father.
A little over a year ago I had to undergo surgery on my right shoulder for a list of things that had been causing me problems over the years. Before surgery there were months of painful therapies, which actually caused more problems than solved. The pain became such that narcotics where required to keep it under control. Because of the amount of surgery done, the pain continued afterwards. Throughout this entire ordeal I tried to keep my focus on God, seeking His purpose for the pain and suffering. I was reminded of many of His friends who went through much suffering for Him. In the midst of it I asked God what was it that these people had that they could endure even to the point of death.
The way that He answered this became my “dark night of the soul”.
A couple of weeks after surgery, the mixture of pain, narcotics, and seemingly no end in sight, doubts that God would come through for me and answer prayers of mercy and understanding, I began to have suicidal thoughts; “death would be better than this”, was my thought.
The deepest part of me wanted to get beyond this and continue my walk with God as it was in the past. I decided to step out in faith, or at least change things to get rid of those evil thoughts of ending my life. So I took all the narcotics and flushed them down the toilet, thinking that the only thing I have left is my walk with God; He will hold me up.
Within 24 hours the withdraws from the drugs and the lack of my ability to “feel” God intensified. My wife had to take three days off work to watch over me. I had gotten to the point that I couldn’t sit down, was walking around the house wrapped in a blanket, praying, all in the midst of extreme anxiety.
I called friends who were the most “prayer warriors” that I knew to pray for me, talk to me about what I was going through. I felt like I was in the middle of a dark, dank battlefield with death and destruction all around and no way out; hopeless, helpless. One friend reminded of the verse that says that Jesus will never leave us; then proceeded to say that nowhere does it say that we have to “feel” God all the time. Through tears of utter loneliness and abandonment I felt a desire to get across this battlefield; if only I could make it to the other side; to just get through this for Him.
A tiny light of hope appeared, and the next place I found myself was in a nearly pitch black prison cell. There was a pin of light coming in through a small window high in the cell.
What happened to me in this state of mind, God began a work on my heart. First, it was extreme sorrow. Everybody that I saw, knew, or cared about I could see there hurts and sorrows. Just looking out the window at the houses down the street I knew each had someone inside who was suffering. Flowing tears were my only companions. I couldn’t even watch TV, the sorrow extended to everyone. When Jesus was in the garden, just before He was arrested, His sorrow was so deep that he had tears of blood. I now understood, though but a tiny portion how He felt.
Next came an understanding of the deep love of Jesus for us. Sorrow changed to a love for all who I knew, and anyone who came across my path during those days. Not just the decision to love, but a deep understanding of “I will lay down my life for you” love; A living love with a desire for nothing but good for all; again a tiny portion of God’s love.
All of this took place over a three day period. I lost 20 pounds of weight in the 30 days surrounding those three days. I did make it to the other side of that battlefield. And the feeling of intimacy with God returned.
During that time I was granted the gift of understanding a portion of what Jesus felt when abandoned by His father on the cross; understanding a portion of what Jesus felt in the sorrow of mankind’s suffering, and a portion of understanding the depth, texture, movement of God’s love for me, and all.
FROG
I am a Bereavement counselor by trade. When I read this question this morning at my office desk it struck quite a note. This past Wednesday I was at a seminar in St. Petersburg, Florida on Complicated Mourning by Alan Wolfelt. One of the things he said on grief and mourning was that people in mourning must do “soul work” and “spirit work” In soul work the person goes into the wilderness of the soul down in the psyche. This is a time of chaos, confusion, sadness and depression. They cannot be rushed through this process but must have time to confront whatever is there. To live with the emotion, disquiet and questions about their views, values and beliefs. Eventually many will work their way into (protest) in the form of anger. This is good (think in terms of Job answering God) because they will be closer to the end than the beginning. Spirit work is the gradual lifting up of the Spirit which should not be attempted before soul work or you risk “putting a bandaid on a severe wound”. One must be allowed the sacred space to grapple with all the quesions that arise in the wilderness of the soul. The best that a friend has to offe is the art of companioning in this place…In my on abbreviated journey into the wilderness of the soul in October of 1988 it led me to ask God to reveal Himself to me, if he was really there. The result was a phone call from a friend w/in a week or two that led to a bible study that led to conversion and a whole life. But that was my experience and each one will be unique.
FROG
I have been a christian for over 33yrs. I am married to a wonderful Christian man who is passionate about evangelism. We have 2 daughters who love Jesus. Our youngest Anna was very keen to reach out to the young people on the streets, and help the poor. In 2005 my husband took her for a motorbike ride up to our local lookout and watched the sunset. While they waited for the cars to pass so they could turn into our driveway a truck ran over them both and killed my precious little girl, she was 15. I felt Gods presence as they worked on her lifeless body and my severly injured husband. I felt a very real peace and told Jesus to take my little girl home where she wont suffer. After they declared her dead and flew my husband to hospital I walked alone back to the house. I had a strong image of Mary watching Jesus suffer on his way to be crucified. I felt God spoke to me. I knew I could do all things through Christ who stregthens me.
I wish I could say this was my experience but it was the coldest loneliest experience I have ever been through. I told my pastor – I can cope with Anna dying but I cant cope with God abandoning me when I needed him most.
I can tell you with great joy that this didnt last BUT it did last for over 1yr. WHAT HELPED??
I put one foot in front of the other. I walked the walk, even though I felt dead on the inside. I trusted that one day things would be different. AND for me – the thought that God had abandonded me or didnt exist made the death of my daughter more unbearable. I didnt like any other option.Praise God I am now off my antidepressant medictions. I still have my bad days but thats where faith comes in – believing when i dont feel like it .
PS After Anna died I found her journal – her last entry spoke of heaven twice – and the very last sentence read – “So when Im in Heaven and your reading this, ask yourself the question, Am I a Unique Christian kid?” AND on her bedroom door she had a poster with Phillipians 1;21 “For me to live is Christ and to die is Gain” Our God is so big I will never understand him but Im learning just to trust him, Thank you Jesus
Think I may have missed some of your blogs as I’ve only been checking a couple of times a week.
Perhaps when you blog, you could mention it on your facebook wall and it might get picked up from there?…
Frank, maybe I should have done a better job of explaining myself. I am resting in His heart towards me. I am no longer seeking the experience of His presence…I am just confident that I’m in it, regardless.
While James’ statement is true, I don’t think it FULLY represents our relationship with God. He has always been the one who reaches down to us…He sought Adam out in the garden and ever since has been the one who desired relationship with man so much more than man ever desired it with Him.
This confidence in who He is and His heart towards me is enough and I’m resting. As I said, I’m pretty sure He’s okay with that.
FROG….I hear it! Thanks for the warm welcome. 🙂 I have not experienced the ‘dark’ period that you described but, yes, definitely dry times. I can write just a small amount on how I connect to God though. It’s in my quiet space where I can withdrawl from distractions and turn my eyes to Him. I take those opportunities to talk with our Father. Really talk, if you know what I mean. It’s at those times where I can best put into words the praise that wells up in my heart, requests for intercession that burden my heart and sorrow for those things that deeply touch my heart. Not a day goes by without that quiet time with Him. I thank God for the solitude where He meets me to talk.
Wow… so much great stuff above this post. Frank, thanks for you being you, and for helping us articulate what you’re picking up on currently! The Body is blessed to know you!
In my life, I’m not sure if I’ve had the “dark night of the soul” experience. And a few months/years ago would have probably dismissed it as a “lack of faith” or “failure on my part” to pursue Him faithfully. Then came 2009! Whew! The final day of 2008, I was laid off for the first time in my life. Here I sit in the same financial quandary, wondering “What just happened?” BUT… two days before being let go, I was pacing the floor one night at work crying out, “God, I don’t hate my job, but it’s not providing enough for my family of four and I can’t take being here 60 hours a week (auto sales) and not seeing enough fruit for my time invested. There has to be something better for my to spend my earth-time in doing!” Funny how He answers our prayers, huh?
And to this, add the fact that I now know too much about the kind of church-life Frank has chronicled for us over the past few books/years to be content to “keep showing up” at traditional church. I went for 5 weeks without going (just couldn’t take any more “easter” hype/marketing/hysteria from the saints) and had never missed more than 2 weeks in my LIFE! Oh, it gets better… two years ago we left a church system highly controlled by… shall I say… Luciferian intent and character… after 12 years of hard work, dedicated service, and this “man of God” being the end-all, cure-all to my life’s pursuit of ministry. People and friends I’ve known for over a decade in my town (500,000 pop.) now are scattered like dust blown by the wind, and not one “seems to be” doing that well.
My “dark night” is dark, yet my faith is still intact, and my trust is actually quite high in the Lover of my soul, but with absolutely ZERO sign of natural hope, deliverance, or possibility of a smashing career or the now-no-longer-desired “full-time ministry”, I find myself in the Land of Limbo, and (crazily) don’t hate it, but somehow feel it’s not only necessary, but has been crafted and released by the Maker of all things, for His divine and eternal purpose.
Halfway to nowhere, yet fully on course for somewhere I must rely on Him who sees all things. I find INTENSE comfort not just in knowing the Scriptures, but in the utter humanity of characters and experiences unfolded in pages I’ve known from my infancy. I have always known the people listed in Scripture’s record, but now I feel like I could actually sit down and have a quiet conversation – or no words needed at all- because I too am living my faith in an unseen Lord. Abraham, Moses, Joseph, David, Paul, Peter, etc. are now my brothers and not just Bible characters. What a story eternity will tell, huh? They all had this experience and still “died in faith… not having received the promise”, so why should I feel so bothered by my (mostly American) atrocity currently being lived?
God is real. More humorously stated, “There is a God; we are not Him.” Carry on!
(and thanks to all the earlier post-ers… I drew much encouragement from reading your stories!! Love you all!) –Darrin
I also have come to believe that because of the New Covenant, I am in Christ and therefore I am already connected to God. How that eternal, unchanging connection looks varies day-to-day…it’s liquid like love. So, sometimes I swim, sometimes I dive, sometimes I just float. I’m always in the pool of God’s love for me and have stopped worrying or fretting about how to connect to Him.
Jo, if you are in Christ, you are connected with God. No one disputes that. That’s not the question. We’re talking about *the experiential* side of it. James says “draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” He was speaking to Christians. We’re discussing those things that help one to draw near/connect with Him experientially. Hope that helps.
What’s the point?
That was the refrain that kept going through my head…the dark night looked like depression and a grieving over loss and that’s how I usually described it to people. The truth was much deeper and harder to express but essentially it boiled down to that one phrase.
What’s the point in prayer, praise, scripture, fellowship, communion, intimacy, anything? What’s the point in existing? What’s the *%$$**@ point?
What’s the point in my relationship to my Creator and what’s the point in living a life outside of that relationship?
Christ. He’s the point of it all. Always has been. Though I’m not quite out of the darkness completely, I see the Light at the end of the tunnel.
How do I connect to God? I don’t. I let Him connect to me. I receive His reaching towards me with a revelation of Himself, however that looks. I just don’t have the ooomph! to do anything else right now and He’s okay with that.
FROG
I started to write something here and then changed my mind thinking “don’t be delusional” then I did some reading on the matter and thought perhaps I should say something. One thing that is constant in the literature is that you are not only abandoned (so it seems) by God but by everyone else as well – except perhaps the enemy who sees opportunity. Some were even imprisoned for this experience.
I even have a CD with a song it on by a Winnipeg Christian on this same subject. I can’t find it right this minute.
I have been a Christian for over 30 years now and that is all I can really claim at this point. I cannot deny my experience of long ago.
I have explored all sorts of explanations: sin, double-soul (di-psuche), lifelong sense of rejection, legalism, demonic oppression and so on. At times I when I found something I thought addressed the matter, I thought I had finally stumbled upon “the problem” and therefore the solution. And then years went by with no change. In the end all of the above may prove true but I am not sure it explains the dead silence.
There’s a verse which says that the rebellious dwell in a dry place and that is typically heaped on people who don’t walk and skip in the Lord.
What I know at this point in time is that the descent began with the Toronto blessing back in 1994-1995. I had always struggled as a believer over the years on many fronts however I had always thought that my experience of faith and prayer were genuine. If I sinned, I turned around and picked up where I had left albeit often stumbling and bumbling along. I didn’t get drunk, take drugs or have illicit sex but I know what sin I had to deal with nevertheless.
In or around 1995 after I had been to Toronto, having experienced what I believed was a blessing – I certainly came away feeling refreshed, moved, hopeful etc. – I began to experience a welling up of grievous sexual sin. For a while I just didn’t want to talk about it and just tried praying harder but things got to a point where I had to raise it with my pastor. It had become overwhelming in nature and amplitude. I mean it was out of this world in ugliness. I felt desperate and panicked by what was coming to the surface.
My then pastor kind of smiled knowingly when I told him about this and I surmised that he felt it was actually normal in that the Holy Spirit was simply exposing hidden sin. Okay, I accepted that and I did my part in confessing what I was experiencing in my mind and heart but it never got better – not for long periods of time anyway. There were moments when I felt I was imminently and desperately going to lunge into wicked behaviour. I plodded along and I can genuinely say that in the next five years there were occasions where I felt genuinely lead by the Lord to do, for example, spiritual warfare in our area -what we termed in 1997 “prayer walks” in the neighbourhoods. We felt blessed during those times and we feel strongly that we influenced the spiritual atmosphere.
Despite this, things continued to go downhill. It was never a sudden occurrence but a steady decline and a steady growing darkness.
While I know there is sin in my life this is true of all believers. All believers have sin in their lives. Some they have overcome, some they are still struggling with and some have yet to be revealed to them. We do not really know the depths of human depravity and if it were revealed to us as God sees it in a moment I doubt we could actually remain alive. I make no excuses for myself and if anyone points the finger about failings and shortcomings it is me to myself and most coldly. I do not spare my soul when it comes to sin.
I can’t pin point an event but I can see a trail of Christians giving up and turning away. They didn’t know what to do or say. I was unreachable and too distant. Then it became too painful for me to witness the liberty of others – it seemed as though it was liberty in my eyes. I gradually withdrew from other believers because where they could so easily rejoice, I struggled with depression and discouragement. My last try at getting help was with a pastor and his wife. This would have been about 2004 or so. I felt strongly that the pastor had a strong connection to the Holy Spirit. In other words, he was working hard at listening and things were happening (small rural pentecostal church). I and my wife took a risk at asking him to counsel us for our marriage problems. He agreed. I was not concerned about his abilities, I was interested in having him listen to the Holy Spirit more than anything else. Things fell apart though when his wife interfered and decided we should read a book and I lost faith in anything good coming out of it. We didn’t need another book. Then within a few months, he and his wife separated themselves. Prior to that another pastor I had held in high esteem left his wife of many years. I thought “God, if they can’t hold it together, what hope is there for troubled people like me?” We felt very let down.
Since then there has been nothing – nothing at all. Oh, I have moments where I think that just maybe God is providing a way out of the darkness and then bam the opportunity fades and dies away. Only last year, a young man of 29 myself (I’m 52) and another young man felt we should form a fellowship to do what the church was not doing but should be. To begin with we were going to get real – I mean real, real. Sin was going to be confessed and no one would be prissy or religious about it. We were going to lay it out in living colour and then pray for one another and from then on help each other to overcome. You can’t tell people about sin in the church. They don’t really want to hear it. You have to launder the sin for their ears or even for yourself so you don’t sound so sinfully filthy. Doing that only undermines confession and any hope of really getting out of it. My hope was that finally, just maybe, I would probably be able to get down to brass tacks and not have to worry about appearances and get on with the task at hand. I felt hope that it was a young person who himself had done plenty of vile things and that nothing I could say would shock him. There was hope for mercy and then hope for prayer except that the opportunity slipped away and he has changed plans.
Then again another person came along, a PHD in psychology and a Christian we met at a conference only a few weeks ago who saw my pain and our troubled marriage and offered to counsel us “intensive counselling” for four days. Hope rose again and then by e-mail he told us the cost: $3,000. Jesus’ words to his disciples keep ringing in my ears: “freely you have received, freely give.” Why is it that the people who are “free” place barriers on the weak and the poor in spirit? We hear about the famous WWJD but so many just ignore. The realy question ought to be “What DID Jesus Do?” and the answer is “he gave FREELY.” He didn’t walk around with a price list on sandwhich board. Maybe it’s because I see what scripture says and I see what’s going on but because of my troubles I think “it must be you, not them – you’re the problem; you’re the one who’s struggling. They’re smiling; your not”.
I no longer receive any comfort from scripture. It’s like reading the dictionary or the telephone book. Yet I am passionate about scripture. I love to look into what the Greek text actually says versus what religious translators have chosen to give us as translations (religious words – instead of translations – like apostle, church, deacon, pastor, baptism, demon (the word is just anglicized greek – transliteration, not translation). We have had the religious wool pulled over our eyes. Even so, scripture just doesn’t speak to me. It doesn’t come alive at key moments. I don’t experience rhema when I read it all I see is logos.
I pray out of duty. There is no communion. I get mad and yell at God and that’s just as effective as all the other failures. I cry and blubber and that falls on deaf ears (so it seems). Even though I feel nothing, I know and believe there is no where else to go. There is no other hope and if He does not answer then there is no answer because anything Satan offers is only complete ruin. What do my praying amount to? Thanks God for the blessing I know of: home, clothing, food, wife, job, cool breezes while I cut the lawn, having to walk home from the bus stop which gives me some exercise, and even thanks for my dog who brings some laughter into our home. I won’t forget those things. My prayer is very limited and I can’t justifiably say it’s done in “faith” but if the fact that I believe I am talking to God – and I say to him well I have to talk to you even if you don’t care to listen to me – constitutes a form of faith, then I guess there is a modicum of faith in my praying.
Jesus is the love of my life. My wife knows this and I have always told her that He should come before me for her as well. I love my wife passionately so while it is second place in the overall picture, she is number one here on planet earth.
What do I feel? I feel contained, pressed in, restrained, held back, pushed down to name a few. I feel anxious, torn and helpless because the time seems short and the Lord’s return seems soon. How can I be presented to him in such a wretched condition as I find myself in? Despite all my desires to be pleasing to him, I feel the worst of the opposite of what I think i should be. Despite all the wishes, it seems futile and hopeless. I claim to want to be free and yet I get thoughts that maybe I’m just lying to myself and he knew about me all along. Maybe he knows I am deceiving myself and the jig was up long ago. You’re done for Billy. You asked him to judge your heart one time too many and now he’s got the goods on you. I feel restless like a crazy person in a tight suit who feels he should be in a tight suit.
Oddly while I struggle with sexual thoughts constantly during waking hours – thanks be to God he keeps my mind busy during my job – I have no sexual dreams at night. What dreams I infrequently recall are odd and incomprehensible to me. Dali had more lucid waking moments.
Friends. Nope. None left – too deep, too dark, to instrospective, too negative. They don’t want to be around you if you are going through trouble and you don’t snap out of it. When i went to church no one reached out. They never do. “It’s great seeing you…” on Sunday. The rest of the week everyone acts like they are divorced.
Mostly I’m without hope. No hope of recovery. Every negative parable comes to mind instead: unfaithful servant. I see myself just kneeling before him when he calls me forward and just listening tell me why I failed and failed. We will be called to account and yet I cannot imagine what words I could say in my defense. It seems futile.
Spiritual gifts? I don’t even know what I have. Nobody seems to know, not even the prophets I have known. Some say, “well are you even a Christian?” That’s helpful (not). I wonder often if I deceived myself into believing I was saved when I wasn’t really. So I ask “Am I saved?” No answer. “I’m too blind to see and too deaf to hear, could you make it obvious for me if I’m not saved?” Maybe I have been a fool all along and still am but I have always had a resolute sense that my salvation was genuine.
I’m reading William Gurnall these days. I am stunned and awed by the depth of his insights. I’m seaching for answers to explain why I am so trapped and why my brothers cannot express a little faith for me like the centurion who had faith for his servant to get well. Everybody expects you to have faith while the scripture actually says that faith has to be present for a miracle. You don’t have to have faith for your own miracle. If that were the case, Lazarus would have stayed in the tomb and the demoniac would never have been set free.
I read the passage in Gurnall’s book which says “Do not conclude y ou are a hypocrite because you cannot now see evidence of your sincerity… There is a treasure of sincerity hidden in many souls, but the time has not come for them to open the sack and know their true riches.” I read that and tears well up. Is it hope? Is it encouragement? I don’t know. I’m afraid to even hope sometimes because like so many times before, the answer that seemed to be forming shifts and blows away like a shadowy mist and wisps thinly and then dissapates into nothing at all.
All I am left with is that what I thought was “prayer” wasn’t. What I thought was “faith” wasn’t. What I thought was the spirit moving, wasn’t. Everything I thought I had was really nothing at all. Well, better to realize that and know you don’t have it before going into tribulation and find you are relying on the flesh rather than on rock hard faith. At least I know I would fail under persecution. I don’t have the illusion that I am brave and fearless and full of faith only to be tested in persecution and learn it wasn’t the real thing. Better to find out now and beg for the real thing and that is what my prayer amounts to: begging. If everything I thought I had before was my own self-deception “man made faith” or fleshly emotions then I’m glad it is peeled away, stripped away and bare naked and revealed as a sham, nothing at all. But then I beg for the real faith and I don’t even know what I beg for. I’m like a jungle chimpanzee dreaming of penguins swimming in the sea but never being able to describe what it is I’m dreaming of. How can you dream for something you cannot actually describe. Sure I have the new testament’s definition of faith but it seems to me that faith, when you really have it, is like breathing. It’s not something you think about doing.
I have lots of intellectual reflections. I think a lot about God, Jesus, sin, the church, faith, end times, issues and issues but I know that being a thinker is nothing spiritual in itself. A down syndrome child could easily have more faith in one breath of one moment than an intellectual’s entire life. At least I’m not fooled about that. I may have some smarts but sometimes that can actually be a hindrance rather than a help in spiritual matters.
You all can judge what you think it might be. I just don’t know and I see no end to it. What I found especially depressing to read was that many of those who experienced what is called “the dark night of the soul” only experienced relief at the end of their lives. Oh God.
FROG
Funny you should write this…the “dark night of the soul” is exactly where I am today. I have no doubt about who moved from the relationship, which was me moving from God, but I have no idea how to make a turn around any more. It’s been this way for a while…I want to get out, but I feel like my prayers are “bouncing off the sky”. Kinda like a one sided talk, you know?
How do I get back? What does one need to do????
God will starve the soul in order to develop the spirit.
Once you are born again, you receive the new nature of Christ. However, your body does not change. Neither is there a change in your soul; which is comprised of your mind, your will, and your emotions.
What changed was your nature. Once you are born again, within your spirit you desire to be holy; however, in your soul and in your body you may want to live your life just like you lived before. Once you are born again, there begins a struggle deep within you – between your spirit and your soul.
It’s important that you understand you’re not your soul, just like you’re not your body. You are a spirit being created in the image (holiness) and likeness (godliness) of God.
Just like God has three parts – God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit – you are a spirit who lives in a body and has a soul.
You can see this in the book of Thessalonians.
I Thessalonians 5:23 – New King James Version
Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. (Emphasis Mine)
I Thessalonians 5:23 says that you have a spirit, a soul, and a body which God desires to sanctify and make whole. Once you’re born again, the next phase for you as a “child of God” is to cooperate with The Holy Spirit in renewing your mind.
Your soul was never intended to rule over your spirit. Your spirit is to rule over your soul. Therefore, God developed a process to help bring your soul into subjection to your spirit man.
Much like a prisoner who’s been institutionalized, we may still have old mindsets or old habit patterns of sin that we’ve grown accustomed to. However deep within our spirit man – we hate sin.
It’s not like the movie the invasion of the body snatchers where you are one person one day and a completely different person the next. It’s a process that takes time.
In His Word, God declares WE ARE SET FREE! When we agree by faith with God and begin to walk in the truth of the gospel, we will begin to see it manifested more and more in our lives. Renewing your mind is a process; it’s not a one time event.
This process is called the restoration of the soul.
Restoring Your Soul
Psalms 23:1-3a – New King James Version
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul.
As the good Shepherd, Jesus is the one who restores the soul of man to its original state. He does this over a period of time. The restoration of the soul is a process. The mind of Man simply could not handle such a drastic change at one time. Our minds would never survive the transformation.
Let’s look at another verse.
1 Pet 2:25 – New King James Version
For you were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.
Jesus is the Shepherd and Overseer of our soul. He helps us throughout the restoration process. His task in this regard is to get the nature and character of God – from within our spirit – out into our soul.
Jesus helps us through His Word and through The Holy Spirit to bring our souls into alignment and harmony with the living God.
Let’s look at the book of James.
James 1:21 – King James Version
Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. (Emphasis Mine)
James says that we are to receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save our soul. Like an olive branch grafted into a good olive tree, it is the Word of God engrafted into your soul that will do the work. The Word of God will actually save your soul.
The word “save” means to make whole or restore to wholeness.
The salvation of the soul; the renewing of the mind is the foundational truth in maturing, disciplining and equipping the saints.
For more. on this topic… Read my new ebook “Gospel 101” @ cWorshipMusic.com
Blessings,
Charles
I have experienced this dark night of the soul and know it to be more common than rare. Every atheist I’ve met is actually is huddled in the fears of what this night may ask of a soul. Of course I’ve yet to meet anyone born an atheist. The ones I’ve known all feel God has abandoned them and so likewise has turned from God and adjusted the tenants of their faith to accomplish this end. I myself spent several decades in a similar form of faith; abandoned by all and therein also God until I discovered my problem wasn’t with God but His professed “Body” who never seemed to actually practice what they preach, thus I was enabled pull such a poor spirit up by my bootstraps and crawl forth in mourning so much lost to all these years of miscomprehension to arise meek enough to endure my own company.
I am homeless and having lived on the streets for many years, I know many of the body stuck in this dark wood quite jaded about the faith of the professional alms givers. Contrary to the popular notion most everyone in the western world is part of the Body caught in the dysfunctional spirit of similar obstructions to the life bearing Blood. Most of the street people I know are Christians who no longer trust God. Some call themselves other things and others simply have bent the scriptures towards an end times of personal remedy. And one thing I’ve witnessed is there is really only one difference between homeless populations and those dwelling in homes: They don’t possess the fig leaf of walls to lend decorum to their shame.
My coming forth from this abandonment came about as I hitchhiked across the good old USA.
This God I didn’t like and didn’t real want to need kept placing me in cars with Christians driven to confess to me the problems they were having with their Church. At first I answered with my intellect, being an artist and being gifted with the ability to aline things seeming incongruous into sensible order.
This was admittedly like following a flashlight along the trail through the night woods: all you see is what you shine the light upon. Still, after many such adventures the batteries failed and the mistrust of my own existence was upon me once again. Much of my own sense of abandonment were the intercommunicating problems of high functioning autism I much later did learn.
Back on a trek to Florida I got to handle both problems. This time the Spirit had come upon me and what spiritual fears once shone the straightforward beam of human intelligence I was able to see the light of the darkness. All that was always there became the foundation of a renewed faith I don’t struggle with, as I simply began to abide in creation in the manner the Potter creates it. Knowing there is purpose in the kiln, enumerated in the ascending blessings of the beatitudes.
Some have written that the “dark night of the soul” is designed to divide between soul and spirit in a believer. I don’t think this is true. First of all, the only thing that is scripturally refered to as dividing soul and spirit is the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God – not, “a dark night of the soul.” But more importantly, I think some of the people who popularized this idea in their literature who I respect on many levels (Nee, Penn-Lewis, etc) should have taken a look at the greek. There is good reason to believe that our souls and spirits are not divided FROM each other, but rather that the mature believer has had both their soul divided and their spirit divided…in other words, the disection is through both, not “between” the two. Your soul, which corresponds to your “joints” and your “thoughts” is regularly judged and discerned and divided. And your spirit – which corresponds to “marrow” and “intentions” is also discerned and divided by the Word as it pierces into those places.
And honestly, can anyone describe “having had my soul and spirit divided from each other?” Gee, what is that like, anyway? I would guess the only time when your soul and spirit are divided is when your spirit leaves your body and your soul sleeps at death…if even then. And that is conjecture – they might not even be divided then.
So while it is correct that some people have matured in spirit to the place where they are aware of their spirit within while others cannot yet identify their own spirit may confuse their soul with spirit – this has nothing to do with having a dark night of the soul.
Perhaps there is even a difference between a “dark night of the soul” and a “dark night of the spirit?” IE – times when you lose your job, your reputation, your family, etc – might truly be dark nights of the soul…. while being out of communion with God might more aptly be a dark night of the spirit?
All things to consider.
Actually let me clarify something.
The things I said like kindness/compassion and conversations.
I connect with God through these things because the desire to “do” them or as it’s
happening originates from within.
From Him, through Him, and back to Him.
I hope that makes since !
As for your second question, ” things used to connect with God.”
Let’s see. I’m into the bullet style today 🙂
* music
* quiet
* reading
* movies
* sometimes conversations with people spark something within
* being with the (home) church
* nature
* kindness/compassion twords others
I am currently in this “dark night of the soul/spirit.”
As for what’s running parallel;
* my husband had a very public (name & picture in newspaper, radio, media) legal issue that we fought for over a yr.
* my husband was incarcerated in March of this yr. (and March of last yr. for 2 1/2 months) because of the loss of this legal battle. He is still incarcerated, he got a 5 yr. sentence.
* it was something that should’ve never involved jail time
* we were evicted from the apartment complex we lived in for over 10 yrs.
* we almost had our children taken away
* we lost every “friend” we had except one couple
* we were seperated from the (home) church because of the eviction
Shall I go on !?
As for coming “out of it” I don’t know. I’m still smack in the middle of it. My only hope
and desire is that there will be an end to this hell !
I can’t even put into words what it’s been like.
All I can really say is from where we started over a yr. ago to now it’s built up to this
crucible.
I would not change one thing if I could.
The things that the Lord has removed, changed, brought me/us through are no comparison for the inconvinence of the outward that we’ve suffered.
Our treasure is not of this earth, so whatever happens here stays here. It perfects
us and changes us into His image.
The other day I actually told the Lord, ” please no more sharing in your sufferings.”
I would like to post additional thoughts in response to some of the posts above.
In experiencing and “coming out” of this dark night of the soul, I experienced something very precious in my relationship with the Lord. Maybe I knew it before, but certainly not to this degree.
After going through this dark night of the soul, something was settled within me. I like what others have posted above about the separation of soul and spirit. I think much of our Christian journey is based upon the soul life and mistakenly interpreted as spirit. When ones goes through a dark night, it is actually a loving work of the Father to bring us into the maturity of resting in HIS love by faith.
Probably the most significant difference in my relationship with Him is that it is more intimate. It’s not based on quoting the right Scripture, walking in constant vigilance and/or awareness of my sinfulness, or having the right words in prayer. While I do spend time in confession, petition, praise and intercession, more time is now spent in silent adoration and contemplation.
I could liken it to the relationship between husband and wife. Think of early mornings or late nights when all is quiet and the contentment you feel just lying in the arms of your mate. No conversation. You’re not terribly concerned when your thoughts wander. You’re just “there” … it’s enough just to be close. It seems I finally understood David’s heartfelt words and desire to dwell in the Lord’s presence forever. As a shepherd he must have enjoyed the quietness of the fields and just “being” with his Lord.
To those who are walking through this dark night, I just want to encourage you that nothing has changed in your Lord’s heart toward you. He has not departed. Christ is within and I believe He is lovingly teaching you to rest in that in total trust and surrender. To put it another way….you are “lovesick for your Beloved.” I can only imagine how that moves His heart.
I had a dark night about 10 years ago. And I can really relate to what some peeps up there have offered. Your ‘friends’ leave becasue they theink you have ‘backslidden’ or blame you of sin-conscious or unconscious. Or that it’s a demonic attack. Job’s friends much? One older sister knew and just was with me. She didn’t offer answers, she didn’t judge, she just told she had walked through it once, and that God taught her more in that time than any other in her life. The secret was to not struggle like a fish on the line. Just be. You doubt everything you ever knew about God? Fine, he can take it. You hate Him? Fine, he can take that, too. Anger, fear, hatred? It was like the stages of grief until there was nothing. Just waking up each morning and walking through the day, one minute at a time until you get to the point of complete surrender, and then walk in that -in a void. Like Dorey says in Finding Nemo-Just keep swimming and ACCEPT where you are. It is, there are no tricks to get out of it, there is no Coast Guard chopper to pluck you out of the raging ocean. One thing I know, is that you won’t drown and that is all I ever offer because everyone’s experience is personal.
A few things i learned from mine-One is the depth of knowing how beloved I am, and that, in turn makes me love Him more. Two is that he will never forsake me. Three is that you have to Just Keep Swimming not becuase it will get me somewhere, but because HE is faithful.
My husband taught me something that helps me when I am down, and that is to Maintain an Attitude of Gratitude. He had a very personal experience where everything in his life was taken, but his life itself. When I get cranky and pissy he admonishes me to be grateful for what I have, and then I start small. I’m grateful that I woke up. That I sleep on a bed, have a blanket and a husband who loves me beside me. I am grateful for the fourteen feet running around downstairs-not including the dog. I am grateful that we are healthy–and it keeps getting bigger until I am in sheer and utter awe of all that I am blessed with. Nothing makes me praise him more than an hour of counting my blessings.
Clarifying: in my song, I name Depression, but I am not speaking about the mental state that you go to the doctor for. I am fully aware that feeling separate from God is not something you can take a happy pill for. =) I was speaking of the Enemy.
This passage hits it for me:
Isaiah 50: 10-11
“Who is among you that fears the Lord, That obeys the voice of His servant, That walks in darkness and has no light? Let him trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. Behold, all you who kindle a fire, who encircle yourself with firebrands, walk in the light of the fire and among the brands you have set ablaze. This you will have from My hand: You will lie down in torment.”
When I was in the place where I sensed nothing, felt nothing, received no word or whisper, this verse alone gave me hope. I could run around trying to drum up spirituality, lighting fires….but it would not ultimately satisfy me. So I sat in darkness, learning what “faith” actually means. It’s all well and good to love a God that is lavishing you with presents, but when the presents seem to stop, that’s when you find out how you really feel about Him.
I don’t remember how long this lasted…time doesn’t make much sense to me…a few months? A year? But I could not turn my back on God. I shook my fist at first, but the anger didn’t last long. It was replaced eventually with acceptance….”longsuffering” if you will. It sure felt like long-suffering. Ha! But all nights have a morning, even long nights. God is good.
I believe very strongly that my wife and I are at #2 and have been for awhile now. God is painfully silent. We have begged him to speak to us. Nothing. I am comforted to know that others have experienced this and “survived”. Sometimes, actually often, we don’t think we are going to make it. It’s been miserable. We are hopeful but at the same time we have no hope. We are church-less but are meeting with a Jesus loving counselor who is helping us right now. She is encouraging us and maybe this actually disqualifies us for #2. Perhaps God is speaking through her. Who knows….
Oh I did forget one instance that you might be interested in:
Was praying and completely couldn’t …and felt so attacked and surrounded by the enemy…. couldn’t hardly even remember my Beloved’s essence and as I cried out to Him, He told me in that instance, “I want you to praise me.” I didn’t know how to praise Him, so I decided to fast and ask Him to teach me praise. As I learned to praise Him, I found that He was drawing near to me again and it became so much easier to focus on Him clearly.
I suppose it is different for everyone.
FROG.
Dark night? How about decade. Mostly my fault…apathy, frustration, self-loathing, etc. I’m constantly pissed off at myself and the situation in the Body of Christ today. I’m judgmental, cold angry and alone. I have my moments of joy but they are few and far between…short lived. I have very little fellowship with no one interested in anything I have to say about the “state of the union” (Body).. I don’t pray much anymore…I’m just in limbo…kinda here, going through the motions of life. T Austin-Sparks once wrote how painful it must be for a child of God to have one foot in the world and the other in the kingdom…how miserable it is. Well he was right. Other than that things are going great. 🙂
I so appreciate you talking about this Frank! I have had a few rounds on my facebook notes on topics like this and so often as you say, I ended up getting lectured about how I can’t base my faith on feelings, which was sooo far from what I was trying to talk about.
Ironically, I think it is believers that are in their “soul realm” most of the time that don’t experience this. They are comfortable having a soulish encounter with God, one that exists mentally or emotionally or so forth, and therefore aren’t aware of whether or not they are touching Him with their spirits. ANd hey, this is ok for the season that God has ordained it in any believer’s development.
Once you are awakened to your spirit, and begin connecting to God in that place, you become much more acutely aware of whether or not you are actually communing with Him or not. When this first started happening in my life, I might be touching the Lord in the morning and suddenly “lose” Him around noon, only to “find Him” again maybe around 4 or something…. and that period from noon to 4 was like hell itself…. had I blasphemed the spirit or something? Why was He suddenly, totally seemingly absent? I usually had to backtrack to the last thought I had had or action when His presence suddenly dropped off and search and search through every angle on it before Him , searching my heart, asking His help and mercy until I would usually hit on some point of repentance where the communion would be restored. Sometimes though, that wouldn’t work…and in those cases I just had to put it in His hands, and keep my eyes peeled for the smallest glimmer of where He was drawing near to be again, and then meet Him on that level.
I could list a lot of things that help – like praying in tongues, or singing to Him, or sometimes just getting up and finding someone else to love on until I find that place where the Lord’s love pours through me (aha! found you there Lord, knew you couldn’t resist loving that person!) or fasting, or …or…or…. but really, all those bright ideas help sometimes but don’t work from time to time. The only one that really helps consistently is this:
Just talking honestly to Him, and telling Him exactly where I am at while keeping my heart humble and low as I seek Him. I’ve tried being “honest” and yelling at Him when I thought I had reason to be angry, and that usually isn’t the honesty that brings us back together…. but just sharing sharing sharing my soul with Him, and my earnest hunger….and my own fear about the whole thing, and my faith ….. and then putting my face to the ground and drawing near heart to heart….. Hey, it doesn’t always “work” but somehow it does always eventually….
FROG
#1 – to connect with God all “I do” is know and experience the answer to Jesus’ prayer in John 17, “that we may be one”. It doesn’t get any better than that. See Oswald Chambers “My Utmost for His Highest” for May 22.
#2 – Chambers again says that this is a time when God is trusting you for a bigger thing. You think He is gone, that He has not answered prayer, that your faith is too small. Instead, God is there working, the answer is on the brink, your faith will grow, all as a result of His sovereign will. Waiting on God is tough in this way.
For me, it usually is precluded by a period of great elation combined with a vision. But I have learned through this experience many times that I must not jump out on the vision right away lest it be done in the flesh. Next is the “desert” time alone with Jesus, just like Paul did in Galatians 1. He teaches me from His Word. This is our “One” time as I described in #1 above (although this is not what “One” time always is). Then He leaves. Darkness settles in. It is the trial by fire time, a time to purify my faith. It is the time when God makes His Word of teaching to me in the desert more than just mere words, but reality. It is the time where the flesh is put to death or else the vision dies. God will not have both.
Emergence from that period depends on how long God wants to keep me there. But I am most conscious of how long it takes me to get simple, put away the flesh, and realize the “Aha” of what God was teaching me.
Once there, the work of the vision begins in earnest with full Holy Spirit-filled power and tremendous joy and boldness to share the truth.
This is how God uses me to write my blogs and books.
You’re right. It’s not the same thing as depression. I’ve experienced both and they’re not the same thing. Neither is it necessarily true that it’s just a passing phase. After entering the dark night Mother Teresa of Calcutta remained in it for the rest of her life and continued to serve Christ faithfully.How can we contact God? We just need to remember that Christ is God with us. God has already contacted us and we can rest in that even in the midst of the darkest of nights.
Frank Valdez
FROG!
Well, that was interesting to type.
I’ve not had the experience you’re referring to after deciding to follow Jesus. Since coming to Christ, I’ve felt complete in the Lord. Yes, there have been rough times. There have been times when I’ve struggled with sin. There have been feelings of unworthiness. There have been dark times.
But there has never been a time when I felt abandoned by God.
Before becoming a Christ follower, I struggled with depression. Deep, dark, clinical depression that caused me not only to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, but also to seek professional help.
It could be that, since you’re referring to a feeling, your friend is struggling with depression.
Just a thought.
In this case, it’s not depression. It’s a spiritual thing. The dark night experience. Few believers have had it. That’s a good thing!
FROG
Here’s what works for me.
1. Sit still and shut up. Stop filling my life and your mind up, and leave some room for God to come in. (Zen meditation was very helpful for this.)
2. Ask. I had an amazing experience once where I was frustrated, and I went for a drive (planning to find a place to walk, but I just kept driving). I was crying, and I yelled “WHY WON’T YOU TALK TO ME?” And God replied, “You never asked.”
3. Related to number 2 (and to number 1, truth be told) is that I’ve had to break. I’ve had to own up to my real feelings, and let myself cry, feel fear. Going into that dark place, I inevitably come out of it again, and I can only do that by the grace of God.
4. I remind myself as often as I can to think of something I’m grateful for. It sounds cheesy, but gratitude helps me a lot.
FROG
How long does it last? I’ll let you know… 🙂
What is there to do about it? The answer is related to the purpose of the Dark Night, and that is the separation of soul and spirit in the desert. There are times when overcoming prayer is right. Other times it is Psalm 43, Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted.
Reading and studying scripture is good, other books, fellowship. It’s all good, to a point, but then there’s the darkness. God is asserting his sovereignty and is purifying His vessel. It’s like being in the lions’ den. Daniel was spared because he was blameless and had faith.
I no longer expect anything resembling “warm fuzzies” or any subjective feeling regarding the “presence of God”. He is here regardless of any feeling I may have so I just live in that truth. Sometimes life feels good, sometimes it’s painful and a challenge but I don’t think that has anything to do with God’s presence.
I am thankful that he’s good to me and loves me and thus I am very well cared for.
Warren
I have had a dark night (not in the night though) twice. Each time was less than 30 min. It was not depression. It was loss. I believe it happened because I was allowing God to go deeper into my inner wound when I knew better. I did not have the proper support in place. I just didnt realize the results would be so intense.
How to get out: I had faith that God was carrying me though I felt loss of even God in that wave of feeling. Ultimately my church (excellent pastor, music pastor and friends) and art (drawing, painting, dancing, music) connects me directly to God no matter what. Reading the bible has become a staple.
God has been with me my whole life and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I have gained anything in this life it is only by the grace of God. I still feel shy about it though – that will change.
I was wondering what Frog is?
Anyway,,, Dark Night of the Soul, I like that you are talking about this Frank… it hits me where I am…
I have been in this so long that I have lost track of how long… maybe 7 to 10 years.. I do remember a few things about the beginnings of it. I had gone to a conference. The speaker was talking about how he had just come out of a 12 year wilderness and he called himself a wilderness failure. When I heard this somethng went off in my spirit… like,, ohh no… this is for you… I listened to this man and I knew, can’t tell you how but I knew I need to listen to what he had to say because I was going to need to know what he knew…
side note here Frank,, the Dark Night or the Wilderness, whatever we want to label it, isn’t a bad thing… it actually is a very very wonderful thing… I will explain more of this later. As a friend of mine says, who has also been through it and come out on the other side,,, “as bad as it get is as good as it gets”.
I will tell you a little back ground about myself so you understand more of what all this has meant for me. I was radically saved by Jesus. I had an open vision and I saw Jesus standing before me and I saw my life pass before me.. like a video… I saw what I had done and what others had done and I felt the weight of my sin and at the same time I felt the overwhelming love of Jesus and His forgiviness… From the very moment I got saved I had experienced His tangible presence and it undid me. I went about for years feeling like His hand was on my head and his presence was constantly wooing me into His secrete chambers. I lived in the secrete place. I lived in deep intimacy with Him. I can only say it was like I felt Him dripping off me like due. The waves of His love would often come over me and I would weep for hours. One day as I was with Him talking and in such a sweet place with Him. He looked at me with such seriousness and He told me…. Jodi… there is coming a time when you will feel like I have left you. In my niavity I shot back to him a reply like from a love sick bride who has her bridegroom right there with her… oooooooh but LORD,,,, I know you will NEVER leave me or forsake me…. I can remember this so clearly and it still grips my heart… He looked at me like I had never seen Him look at me.. and He said,,,, ooooooh but YOU WILL FEEL LIKE I HAVE LEFT YOU….. but I have not. Then my vision of Him changed and all of a sudden we were up on white horses and we were looking out over a valley of troops gathering. Deep in my heart I knew that what He had just told me was to prepare me. I knew we all were being prepared.
The bottom line is this, I am still in this DN, I don’t feel the sweet breeze of His presence, I don’t feel His hand on my head, I don’t hear much from Him, I don’t know when I will ever feel that again or if I ever will feel that incredible tangeable sense of His presence again but I do know that He is working something in me through this time and it is something so deep and so strong and so unshakeable. Through some of the hardest parts of this season I have felt like I wasn’t saved, or I had done something wrong, or I had backslidden or I took a wrong turn or I was decieving myself, I had no desire to read the bible or pray or do anything spiritual, which was not me,,,, I felt like a mess and I felt like it had to be something I was doing wrong. I started to learn that it was about my failure, my inability to conjure up desire or passion for Him, it was about Him, it was about the fact that I belong to Him and to no one else. That He started a work in me and He was very aware of what He was doing to complete that work. He holds me in life. He gives me even the desire to seek Him. I learned what it felt like to have all senses of Him lifted off of me… Yuck.. I was left with myself… not a pleasant thing to behold. But even my worst state He loves me. Let me tell you what this on going experience has done for me… It’s put a rod on the inside of me that wasn’t there before. I know who I am like I have never known… I am His. On my bad days and my good days, I am His. Whether the world is falling down around me or not,, He will bring me through. It’s hard to explain what He has done but as hard as it has been, days I didn’t think I would make it, times that I really did feel like He had left me, years going by and I still am wondering, longing, hoping to feel Him again, the lonliness of being in a place people don’t understand, the rejection and judgement, the feelings of failure and helplessness, I know I wouldn’t change or take back the years of pain because I am gaining by the minute. I am still in this pain. I still complain about it and seek sympathy. I still wish I could just get it a little more together and maybe I could shorten this whole process. I still go through really strong feelings that He is not with me and I question but then I move out into faith again and I keep pressing on. That is what it is about for all of us… don’t give up. Though the battle goes on and on and on and on and on and on… don’t give up. You will be a victor if you just don’t give up. Keep trusting, leaning, waiting, perservering. One thing I have really learned through this is I have a whole new perspective on the workings of God in son or daughter of God’s life. His ways in each of our individual lives is as different as our finger prints are, no two are a like. I may spend 30 years in this place with Him and you may go 6 months… His love for us is no less and we are no less valuable wether we get honored with 30 years of pain or 6 months of quick pain and it’s over… no matter what we all are going to suffer pain of some sort and trails of some sort, whether He chooses to take away His presence or take a way a child or you have to wait countless years for a vision to come to pass… what is it to any of us to judge or to question His ways… He is good,,, bottom line, His plans for us are good, let’s see each other as He sees and let uscomfort one another through it all. Life is so very very hard and painful but ohhhhh the rewards of living it dependant on Him!! I don’t think we give pain enough credit as Christians. The reason we count it all joy for our trials tribulations is because its producing something in us that will be in us and apart of us for all eternity. It isn’t joyful when you are in it but when you get a glimpse… of what you are becoming. Wow! You are a stunning BRIDE! Nice work Lord!!
Frog
1. never experienced this so far, praise God. Though I have certainly had the dry spells and cold times.
2. I find a few things helpful. Reading a large portion of God’s word helps to connect me. When I do this, my connection seems to be a sort of U shaped curve. I can start off with some enthusiasm for it, but it’ll will tire out. Then slowly, and before I realize it, I am enthralled. The last is better than the first.
Also helpful in connecting to God is time spent with other believers encouraging one another and talking about God’s Word and the God of the Word.
Finally, I feel connected by spending time reflecting in God’s creation. Walks by our pond late night or early morning. Strolling off down the road. Loosing myself in the woods. God seems to find me when I let my self and my mind be lost in the things he has given us.
In regards to so many blogs, I would miss them if you did not post notices on fb. Thanks for that.
In regards to the “dark night of the soul”, I have never experienced what you describe or what others are describing. Dry seasons,yes. This, no.
In regards to connecting with God. My favorite thing to do is dwell on the essence/character of God. As I meditate on different aspects and descriptions in scripture of God such as his Love, Trustworthiness, all powerful, all seeing, all knowing, creator, lover of my soul, righteousness, eternal nature, Jehovah Roi – the God who sees, Jehovah Shalom – our peace, Jehovah Jirah – my provider, Adonai – Lord, King of kings, Emanuel – God with us, bread of life, counselor, head of the body, lamb of God, veracity, steadfastness, never changing I am reminded of the lyrics to a song.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace.
Also when the “d’s” of the devil begin to creep in (dispare, disappointment, discouragement, disillusionment, discontent, distortion, distress, dejection,deceit, distraction, disunity, dread, desolation, despondency, depletion), I remember that I am a princess. I am a daughter of the King. And that all these things are just lies straight from the pit of hell.
I am beloved of God. Because I am inexorably intertwined with Jesus and there is no distinction, I hold the love and affection that the Father has for the Son.
God is good. That is his very nature. He can be no other way. The circumstances he allows in our lives are always for our good. Although from a human view point they may seem very bad. Our circumstances never dictate our position. I am beloved.
The last thing I find very helpful in this very hectic world we live in when connecting with God is that I have the entire Bible on my mp3 player. I love to listen to entire letters at one time. Travel time, waiting time, in-between time can be filled with the Word that is truly alive and powerful.
Jan, you can subscribe to the blog either by email or through a reader. This way you won’t miss a beat. Just look at the top left hand corner on the blog and click the link for email or blog reader.
I know that not everyone connects with the Lord the same way. So just because this works for me, doesn’t necessarily mean it will work for your friend. However, I know that’s why you’re asking for suggestions.
How do I connect with God? Music really helps me connect with the Lord. Listening to simple, raw music that simply focuses on Him, helps me to hone in on Him, and He often uses this to reveal Himself to me anew.
And, as cheesy as this may sound, being outside alone, just surrounded by His glorious nature does it for me almost every time. I am reminded that it’s all been created by His hands, and He reveals Himself.
Also, I have journaled some in my life. Reading back over those old transcriptions reminds me of the Lord’s work in my life and shows me how far He’s brought me.
I don’t know if what I’ve been through would be considered a “dark night” or just depression, but I have been in some very dark places in my life. I’ve felt so far from everyone and I’ve felt like no one cared, not even God. It felt like He didn’t listen and that no one else cared to listen or could begin to understand what I was feeling. Like one of your other readers stated, if it wasn’t for not wanting to leave my kids abandoned, I might not be here now.
But the Lord IS faithful and good. And He HAS pulled me out. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even though we may not see it at the moment.
I believe I experienced a “dark night of the soul” this past year.
A little over two years ago, my husband passed away. It was an excruciatingly painful experience. Though he experienced many years of illness and suffered greatly prior to his death, I never turned my trust away from the Lord. I didn’t understand, but I continued to trust Him and during this difficult time, invited Him to do whatever He wanted to do within me. And believe me, He did. It was a time of walking through the internal dealings and cooperating with the Spirit of God as His fire burned within my life.
I say all that to say this: last year…very abruptly…the closeness I had experienced with Him stopped very suddenly. I couldn’t hear Him or sense Him in any way. For some reason, I wasn’t even able to articulate what I was going through. It was as if all communication was shut off FROM Him and TO Him. It was a time of painful silence.
I have to confess I became angry. I felt betrayed and abandoned by Him. I felt like I had opened up every part of my heart to Him, cooperated with His Spirit with some of the most painful internal dealings possible, and “where did it get me?” Silence and abandonment from my God. This silence continued for several months.
I remember my day of breakthrough. I was tired of the confusion, I was tired of pouting at God, and I was miserable without His manifest Presence. I can tell you exactly where I was when these words came out of my mouth because it was a pivotal moment in my walk with Him. From my heart I loudly proclaimed (translated – yelled at God)..”I don’t care if you never speak to me again! I don’t care if I never sense your Presence in my life. I will love You! I will trust You! You are all I have and all I want!”
My dark night ended shortly after that. I don’t claim to be an expert on “the dark night of the soul” nor have I read much about it. But I do know – in my life – there was a depth of trust and surrender He was after in the most painful, confusing silence I’ve ever experienced.
I have never experienced the dark night of the soul. I have had a professor who did. It lasted for, I believe, two years. He said that he never understood Biblical poetry until then. His faith was very intellectual, and he didn’t understand the outpouring of emotion in the Psalms until God left him and a head faith was no longer enough.
As to what I do to connect with God, I will give you two.
1) Music, and not always “worship” music. I have found that certain songs, some are explicit worship music but some are not, allow me to express my feelings and thoughts toward God. It just creates an instant connection to Him.
2) Conversation. I just talk to God. I say what I am thinking without a censor. God knows my thoughts; there is no point trying to hide them. And He talks back. We converse, even argue sometimes. He loves me, comforts me, and sometimes rebukes me.
FROG (Ribbit… )
I experienced quite a long drawn out dark night of the soul, and a few shorter nights too. The only thing that I really noticed each time was that they tended to be around times when I was seriously struggling with some irreconcilable differences between what I saw in scripture and what I experienced as Christianity. I wish I knew what specifically precipitated the start and the end of these times, but I can only say that is must be God’s doing. That probably sounds somewhat crazy – that God would cause us to go through a time of noticing a lack of his presence, but I don’t think it is crazy at all.
Job experienced some wonderful fellowship with God. For reasons beyond his control and understanding, God allowed, yeah – even recommended in a sense – Satan entering into the fray of Job’s life and wrecking havoc.
I think the normal response you expected and even asked people not to give is exactly the kind of responses that Job’s “friends” offered as well. We often (at least as westerners) look for the reason, rather than resting in God’s purposes. Perhaps God allows the dark nights so that we learn to really walk by faith, believing that God calls into existence that which does not exist?
Perhaps too, the issue is one of spiritual battles in the heavenly dimension just as we see in Daniel? Either way, I found zero solace in just about every human being I encountered. All wanted to find the hidden flaw rather than encourage me in God’s sovereign purposes that are beyond my understanding. I know that during these times, God taught me just how solid some his promises are, and that his satisfaction with me has NOTHING to do with me, but solely his Son! That’s easy to believe when you have “works” to count on for backup. When you’re life is totally stagnant, can you believe that God is totally satisfied with you? Ultimately, I learned that despite my lack of his presence during that time of stagnation, he was pleased with me because of being In Christ, not because of a successful walk.
As for what I do to connect with God? The thing I have only recently been learning after 19 years at this is to start with thankfulness! See Psalm 107! Put on the garments of praise for the spirit of heaviness!
I believe that proclaiming thanks and praise changes our perspective of our circumstances and allows God’s spirit to change us, rather than the circumstances (which sometimes change too!). It enables us to see things in light of the Spirit of Jesus, rather than in the flesh and calls our attention back to Jesus in all his glory. Some would call this worship – just focusing on Jesus Christ. I think it literally changes the spiritual landscape of this planet. As we do this we receive from him and his presence bears fruit and brings peace (assuming we’re not experiencing a dark night).
Hope this helps even one person! Hang in there, God will show up in a chapter or two.
i think that those dark seasons where if feels like God has abondoned us (wich is to say, He really hasn’t left us, but is quiet)…are unfortunate, but opportunities to show us what are faith is really sustaining….i have met many who walk through the darkness come on the other side transformed… and i have met more, who refuse to walk through holding on to religion instead, and they are very difficult to relate to…i can only imagine the pain your friend is going through… i read this simple book that i would highly recommend called “the tree who survived the winter”… there will come a time when he’ll hear His voice again…and as always, he’ll see in hindsight how God carried him through the darkness, even if He didn’t speak….
Oops! Frog!
Kevin just spoke of something that I had wanted to add. It was a testing like Abraham, sent out, yet, falls into a deep and dreadful sleep. A covenant being renewed.
I felt very much like God had tapped me on the shoulder, it was a healing, and yet, direction to my gifting and where God was leading. Before things became REALLY bad, I wrote a Psalm called, “David were you insane?” A question of insane and strange for the Love of God. It was passion and desire to be w/Him now. And like Kevin I had asked God prior to empty me or pride/cleanse my heart for Him alone. In asking I truley didn’t know what I was asking.
my childhood was filled with “a dark night “…as i child i was abused terribly and would cry out to God… “please, however, make this stop!!!” but though He was indeed present, He didn’t make the abuse stop…it finally did by the time i was 22…. i went through many years of numbing all the pain and shame from abuse….did God leave? no… but He didn’t seem like this God who rescues and delivers us from hurt… so i was confused when i heard about the God of “blessings”….ironically it’s working through that pain, that has brought Him real to me… and in hindsight seeing where He was when i thought He was silent…as an adult i came upon job, while wrestling with the hardest question in the universe “WHY GOD?”…. and in job i discovered that job never got that answere…but when God showed up… the question wasn’t relevent anymore…. so i started praying “i need You, not on an intellectual level… not with wisdom or knowledge… not with a gentle breeze… I need you in a tangeble experience…i need to know that you love me enough to SHOW UP”… and after 2 years of the same prayer…on two seperate occations while i was driving, for no reason significant… you gave me that experience..and it was enough….i realized in those moments, that really nothing matters than Him… He inhabitted my feelings and my body and was SO REAL… that though things come my way….i have an experience that sustains my faith…and if i lost everything (wich is everyones fear)…. that He is still Good…and that He won’t leave, even when He is silent…. because i know He loves me, even as much as He loved Job…
FROG
Been there–lasted almost two years, God seemed to have vanished. I went from being a missionary to a pastor to walking away from both. For a season. Walking away from a vocational role in ministry is not walking away from God, nor is it walking away from the mission. It is simply a season of not doing, to wait for the night to end and to see what lies on the other side when the light returns.
Winter is necessary in most of life, and is a natural part of growth. I needed it to answer a prayer I had asked a long time ago. I asked God to humble me, to take away my pride, and empty me of myself. I don’t think He could have answered it in a more effective way. The part that gives me pause is that I know there’s more to go. For now, my old self provides a much less of a target for the enemy. Getting smaller is always good. I can understand folks that don’t understand the night or write it off as lack of faith. I also know that I gained a bit more grace to love them more. I have to wonder though, how do you know the depth of the faith that never sees night or winter? Mine could be much deeper than it is, I do know that now.
To get through it, I found someone older and wiser to walk with me, he listened to my complaints and always pointed me back to hope and to Christ. I waited, knowing that the winter always passes. (He gave me an assignment to journal a tree from fall thought winter and into spring.) I struggled with jadedness, I fought back against the doubts that said, God’s done, you’ve failed, that’s it, just get a job and try to survive. He paid way too high a price to redeem me only to abandon His investment. Scripture is full of these seasons; in the Psalms there are songs that start in despair and end in hope and praise. There are also some without resolution. Those authors survived to write and praise again, I would too.
Now I’m stepping back into vocational ministry, in a role that God alone brought about, and that is more than I had ever hoped to find myself in again. My night was intense (for me) but mercifully short. God is good. All the time.
I went through this about 2 years after recieving Jesus. I had known God’s presence and love, but this was a seperation that was painful and horrible. Many have told me it was part of a conversion experience, yet, I believe it was more than just that. Often now I think of the valley of dry bones. It was like God’s Word led me but it was an empty vessel/ no spirit. I knew I needed to continue obeying in faith, while the words…Soul’s Perishing, I Love… kept going through my mind. I came to sample what it will be like for those who do not follow Him. They will come to see and know that love, than hunger and thirst for it for eternity. Yet, I also knew going through this that I was not experiencing anything comparable to what Christ did. It is what makes Him the ultimate judge….He will not be impartial to it. It gave me a deeper vision and insight into God’s pursuit of man, a love for my enemy(usuallly me), that I could not wish this on anyone, a much deeper compassion (almost painful) for those who are lost. I wrote and remembered…Lean only on Christ For He is Love….I had friends praying me through something I knew I needed on a continous basis. It’s what I call grounding in the shadow land.
FROG
1.Yes and it was a necessary part of the journey, I see now. It lasted for about 2 years and a few months and then I had a bridge experience and that lasted about a year.
It is impossible to put into words especially written words. My life was not my own, and
I couldn’t see any future. If it weren’t for my responsibilities to my children I might not be here now. It was a scary knowing feeling that God was sitting this one out, I had to find my own way back to God by patiently choosing to be loving in all circumstances and trusting that. I did have some incredible experiences of life/death, emotions unexplainable and guardian angels who were watching over me. Through it all I still loved God, I just didn’t understand why, I felt, he had abandoned me.
When you go through it, know that it does have meaning and that there really is spiritual warfare going on all around.
2.Pay attention to everything that I am thankful for and replace all fear with love. Moment to moment.
Oops. Continued…
And there is no rest or peace–even though I live with some great blessings to be thankful for, I feel I’ve “lost my soul.” The experience feels like, ask and you shall not receive, seek and you shall not find, knock and the door will not be opened.
Does this convince me to abandon faith? Amazingly, not. I find myself continuing to call out, continuing to seek, search, move forward one agonizing step at a time. I believe deep down that somehow this will all turn around, but in my mind and heart I don’t see it.
Is that depressing enough? I know that sounds like one big pity party; maybe it is. I wouldn’t ordinarily even share these feelings because of their profound negativity. But hey, you asked the question, so there it is…thanks for listening.
FROG. I believe I have, and even am now. It seems that all I have is “faith” that God is real, and the Bible to remind me of things about Him. But in terms of day-to-day, it feels as though hope has disappeared, life is over, God’s promises seem empty,
This is a song I wrote over 10 years ago. I don’t know if I was in a complete and total “dark night of the soul”, but I certainly was needing to connect. When I need to connect with God, one of the many things I do is write it down, in my journal, on my guitar, somewhere.
Chorus:
Where is the light that you promised to me?
I’m like a junkie, craving the sight you bring.
I violently tremble, I silently scream.
A dark path, a lonely road, I am being led.
Blindfolded, I don’t know…am I being bled?
I trip, I stumble, how could you let me fall?
Where’s your hand? I fumble, blind and afraid.
Chorus
I battle Depression and I know his name.
This time it’s personal, this is not a game.
I am powerless, I’m useless, I’m inept and yet…
…somehow in the darkness, my enemy is hurt.
Chorus
Deep down, deeper down a glimpse of what I crave.
I sense you, can it be–you’re with me in this grave?
Does the darkness have a reason, why’s it hurt so much?
Am I learning as I’m groping for your touch?
FROG. I had a long dark night.
It seemed like everything I accepted as true was challenged in a very dark void.
I got through it [not over or around it] by mentally rehearsling alll the ways I KNEW God had tangibly intervened in my life prior to this horrible year.
I don’t know what I would have done if I had no experiences with God to scroll through in my mind.
And by the way, during this horrible dark night season, I found out that a lot of people I counted as friends were not really friends at all….