Over the last three weeks, two interesting things have happened that provoked this post:
1) A new author asked me to address the issue of disagreements. Namely, what do you do when someone disagrees with what you’ve written.
2) I had a phone conversation with a well-known blogger who read a negative review of one of my books. Before the conversation, the blogger was almost certain that we bitterly disagreed about many things. After we talked, however, he realized that we didn’t disagree about anything we discussed. He also realized that the review had grossly misrepresented my book.
If you have ever had someone disagree with something you’ve said or written . . . or you’ve disagreed with what someone has ever said or written, then this post is for you.
Three things by way of introduction. When people disagree with you . . .
- Some will be charitable in their disagreement.
- Others will be defamatory.
- Sometimes many of the people who think they disagree with you really don’t. But because “Christians” often fail to do that which Jesus taught — which is to go straight to the person with whom you THINK you disagree and ASK them questions –misrepresentations abound (Matthew 7:12).
To be sure, there are genuine disagreements. And we should welcome them. It’s one way to fine-tune our thinking.
None of us can claim immaculate perception.
But in all the years that I’ve been writing books, blogging, and speaking, I’ve discovered that after having a respectful conversation with a reasonable person, we often learn that there is no substantive disagreement.
In my experience at least, this happens approximately 75% of the time.
That said, here are 4 reasons why a person may think they disagree with you when they really don’t. Note that I’m using the word “author” here to refer to the human source of any piece of writing or speech.
1) The author wasn’t clear in making his point, so his points were misunderstood. When it comes to articulating our thoughts, we all have room for improvement. For myself, I’m constantly honing my writing, restating things, rewording sentences, nuancing ideas, and reworking my material to be as clear as possible. Yet I’m rarely satisfied with what I’ve written. Winston Churchill perfectly describes my experience when he said,
Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement; then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, and then a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public.
Sometimes, our words lend themselves to misunderstanding. In such cases, there is no substantive disagreement, just a misunderstanding.
Takeaway: Ask the author for clarification if you think you may be misunderstanding him or her.
2) The author’s statements have been taken out of context and misrepresented, then spread to others. This happens more than you know.
The little red book that I wrote with George Barna is reported to be “the most reviewed book by those who’ve never read it.” The misrepresentations surrounding that book were so outlandish that they would make Star Trek’s Mr. Spock blush. (That’s saying something because Spock has seen everything in the universe.) This provoked us to create a special Q & A page for readers where we respond to objections and critiques. Potential readers can clearly see what we say in the book and what we don’t say.
Unfortunately, some people will intentionally misrepresent another person’s words. One sure sign of this is when a person criticizes a work, but they won’t post a clickable link [hyperlink] to the source they are criticizing. This is done so that those reading the critique cannot easily check to see if the critique is accurate or not. (This is especially true for online blogs, audios, and articles.)
Takeaway: If someone critiques a piece of writing or talk, be sure to read or listen to the object of the critique yourself. This way you will know if the critique is accurate or not. Never believe a negative critique without first reading the actual source that’s being critiqued. Even if there are direct quotations in the critique, that doesn’t make it accurate. Quotations are like sound bytes that can be easily taken out of context. People do this when misrepresenting the Bible all the time.
3) The author’s statements are filtered through the reader’s experience. Sometimes people read their own experiences and assumptions into what they read and hear. The net effect is that the intended meaning the author had in mind is changed.
Take the word “prophetic,” for instance. Some people understand that word to mean God directly gives an individual His exact words. Others understand it to mean a challenging word in the style of the Old Testament prophets. Others view it as a word that reveals Jesus Christ. Others understand it to be a word that predicts the future.
See what I mean? Words like “organic,” “missional,” and “church” are routinely used to mean very different things by many different people.
Takeaway: Find out what an author means by a certain word before drawing a conclusion.
4) The author’s statements are misunderstood due to a differing spiritual conversational style. In Revise Us Again, I introduce readers to the three main spiritual conversational styles. Ever try talking spirituality or theology with another Christian who uses a different spiritual conversational style than you? The result: popcorn. People think they disagree when they really don’t. Your discussion was shanghaied by a differing conversation style.
Takeaway: Recognize that your disagreement may be rooted in a differing conversational style.
A Word to Readers
If you read a critique that disturbs or concerns you, always, always, always go directly to the source that’s being critiqued. Read the original work yourself. And if necessary, ask the author directly what she or he believes.
A Word to Writers
If you are a writer who is turning the sod on an issue, you and your work will be misrepresented at some point.
How you react, however, reveals volumes about your spiritual stature.
I’ve watched too many authors and bloggers return fire on those who attack them or misrepresent their work. This is the way of the flesh and shows nothing of the cross of Jesus Christ.
Trust the Lord with the matter. In most cases, those who are discerning will go to bat for you and defend your work. You don’t have to defend yourself. Let God do the defending.
Taking the high road, the road of our Lord Jesus, often means remaining silent when under attack.
To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. “He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.” When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly (1 Peter 2:21-23).
In addition, as a writer, you should make yourself accessible to your readers. Even if it’s through a personal assistant.
Inaccessibility is the outstanding trait of the celebrity. Try writing to Kim Kardashian or Justin Beiber and getting a response. The same holds true for some Christian authors today. Not that there’s anything wrong with that (to quote Seinfeld) . . . if being a celebrity is the way you want to roll.
But in my judgment, for a Christian leader, you should be accessible to answer questions about your work from people who are open-minded, think the best of you, and genuinely want to understand what you’re saying. Not just for their sake, but also for your own. (Trolls are the exception, of course. Never feed them.)
See also Three Kinds of Critics & How to Respond to Them
Related:
The Art of Being a Jerk Online
We Have Not So Learned Jesus Christ
An Important Insight from President Obama
Things Aren’t Always What They Seem
How to Avoid Spiritual Bankruptcy
As ever, Frank has wise and useful things to say.
I don’t always agree with Frank (although generally I do !). In fact, given that God is a Trinity we are encouraged to believe that God will show different things to people differently. Therefore we should be MORE worried when everybody agrees with us. In such a case we may be more in touch with The Spirit of This Age than we are with the Spirit of Christ. Ultimately, God’s assessment is what we stand or fall by. And Jesus being Jesus a lot of people are going to stand who never really deserved to ( I think that includes me) ……… which is what Grace means.
Such wise words only come from experience.
But, Frank, Mr Spock is real.
This is the second time in the last twelve hours that I’ve been reminded to make sure that what I’m writing is clear for people to understand, probably not a coincidence
Having had a Facebook chat with Frank, I can attest to the following:
1. I had a Facebook chat with Frank! An actual, back-and-forth conversation where I asked for and received clarification. The guy practices what he preaches.
2. Not only did we not disagree, in the end what had begun as a point of contention wound up being a place where we agree quite a lot. Points that seem to be disagreements might just be places we as readers are sensitive to, our antenna are up, and what we want is more, not different. In my case, Frank had glossed over a point that is much more important to me than to most of his readers. The one-on-one allowed us to focus on what would have been (at most) a footnote in a book.
Great post Frank. I don’t disagree!!
Great post. Many practical suggestions that I will consider personally.
Superlative summary insights.
A related resource: “The Peacemaker, A Biblical Guide To Resolving Personal Conflict” Third Edition, by Ken Sande.
Continued blessings, Frank, in your ministries.
Amazing post! It’s exactly what I needed for today…A “chicken soup for the soul” actually. Thanks!
I think this is important and I see lots of room for growth for myself in communication. I especially identified with the fourth point. It’s really cool to experience a big misunderstanding or even confrontation but for God to then use that for growth and development.
Thanks Frank, I’ve had two experiences recently. I got a bad review on my book by someone who clearly didn’t even understand what I was saying and got attacked by trolls who used every trick in the troll handbook. Its very helpful to have someone express the godly response so we don’t react in the flesh and try to defend ourselves. Thanks again.
Excellent points Frank. My first book will hit the store shelves in 2013 and I expect resistance. I have filed your article for reference when it comes.
All for Jesus,
Chuck
Frank, thank you for highlighting this much needed topic. I haven’t been able to comment lately but the posts you have been sharing lately are extremely needed to help us think a little more than we take time too about real critical issues like this one.
I know there have been numerous times when a brother in the Lord and I have been going back and forth about a subject with emotions charged and so desperately thinking i needed them to hear me exactly as I was saying it. Then at some point we would stop humble ourselves and realize we are saying the same thing we are just looking at it from different sides. We then would both get a fuller understanding of what we both were looking at it.
It is so in our nature to think our perspective is not only right but complete. If we only humble ourselves and try to hear what the other person is really trying to say it goes a long way as you have pointed out in “Revise Us Again”
Yes! When I am talking about a piece I have read, and I come up against criticism or questions, I always point them towards the author of the source.
Often I cannot articulate what I saw in the article that transcends their preconceived notions on a topic- especially when that topic is controversial or new to them.
Great post Frank!
It’s amazing to me that one of the most disarming things we can do is to find a way to agree with someone — especially someone who thinks we are the enemy.
I once went to the National Day of Prayer and spent an hour with atheists who were protesting it. After weathering their suspicious looks and comments, I got their attention by saying, “I guarantee you I hate religion more than you do.” And I proceeded to back up that statement.
By the end of the conversation, they were asking me why I was a follower of Jesus after being an atheist myself for decades.
This never would have happened if I had focused on our disagreements.
ps. . . the share the story: the wife and I sometimes (often) talk past each other when we’re not clear and it can lead to more disagreements. She will say/act something along the lines of I’m feeling a little down, when she means to say can you take out the trash or vacuum the house. If I try to cheer her up without doing the other, it doesn’t help her which doesn’t help me.
To your last point, “you should be accessible to answer questions”
Frank, Great post, and I will be sharing it.
Whenever I read a review I never take the writer at his word(no pun intended). I learned this a long time ago in a galaxy far far away…. As a kid a movie came out that receive awful reviews. The critics said it was the worst movie and it would be a flop. Do you know what movie I’m talking about…. Star Wars That’s my story.
I have also learned that sometimes when I have a disagreement with someone about something, even if I know all the fact, it is better to hold my tongue,so to speak, and not say any more.
Another reason that people disagree is that they are disagreeable. So many have anger or self righteousness just below the surface that is waiting to explode when they, or their ideas, are crossed (think talk radio). People are just so darn (over-)sensitive today.
This happened to me after I read your “red book” (LOL!) My pastor thought he knew what it was all about, and considered me a heretic. He actually booted my husband and I from the church!
This is so good, Frank. HUGELY needed advice for the body (and our relationships in the world also). It never ceases to amaze me how many of our disagreements are founded in misunderstanding, and how very, very difficult it can be to truly understand and be understood. It’s as if we each have our own private language that no one else knows how to communicate in.
Maybe that’s one of the reasons that unity in the body is presented by Jesus as the sign to the world that the Father has sent Him. It’s THAT GREAT a miracle!
Frank, most excellent article! I have learned much from you in the arena of handling disagreements. Over that past several years, coming out of institutional structures, I’ve caused much harm by handling disagreements as an unconcerned brat. It revealed much about my own heart and intentions. Through repentance and a bit of “growing up”, I’ve learned and am learning how to take the high road.
Thanks for sharing this post!
Thanks Frank. I too have noticed lately that many people have been trash talking books/authors they have never read. The other thing I see is that if they disagree (legit or not) with an author about one single issue they try to discredit that persons entire ministry!!! And while I want to be careful to judge the motives of someone else, I think it’s safe to say that many times the real root of the problem is likely envy more than the actual issue itself.
One more thought.
I appreciate the fact that many times if an author is approaching a delicate topic, they will preface what they say with things like, “it’s my opinion that…, it’s likely that…, I could be wrong but…, etc.” I think this reveals a humble spirit and demonstrates their desire to have real, thought provoking, conversation rather than stake a claim on the debates that, many times, have been raging for centuries. Sometimes I wholeheartedly disagree with an author, but after reading them and discovering the humble way they approach their argument, I can’t help but chew on it for days, and sometimes my opinion of them AND their crazy idea… changes.
Good stuff Frank. Keep it coming!!!!
In the matchless name of Jesus Christ
I get this quite often… communication is hard, and sometimes I’m guilty of trying to take someone to a place they aren’t ready to go. In fact, I might make that a reason #5 Sometimes you seem to disagree today, but the reader simply isn’t ready for the challenge you are placing before them. I’ve found that as I gently back off of my position and ask questions instead of making accusations, sometimes they arrive at the truth I’m learning quicker.
I enjoy your blog, and I’ve loved your books.
Really good. I was going to put a link up to a post I wrote about this very thing, but I thought it might provoke a disagreement. 🙂
Excellent! A must read. I’m sharing.