The following article was written by my friend Stephanie Bennett. Dr. Bennett is the Associate Professor of Communication and Media Studies at Palm Beach Atlantic University, West Palm Beach, Florida. She’s also the author of Communicating Love and the new novel Within the Walls.
“Please give me your partial attention.” Can you imagine saying that to your spouse or a friend? Tongue in cheek, perhaps, but the truth is, do any of us expect anything less than the full attention of those with whom we are in relationship?
One of the most fundamental elements of a healthy relationship is that it requires adequate time, energy and focus to stay strong and be the force for good in our lives.
Today’s mobile media foster a multi-tasking lifestyle that easily leads to a mentality comfortable with fitting people into packed schedules that rarely leave enough room for meaning conversation or quality time together. In fact, we can become so busy multi-tasking that a simple date for coffee may have to be scheduled weeks in advance.
We may become adept at managing our hyper-organized lives, but none of it helps to nourish healthy, long-lasting relationships. This may be particularly so when it comes to finding fellowship on Facebook and other computer networks that allow for social exchange.
Let’s take a brief, but closer look at the prospect of finding fellowship online and consider some of the important factors embedded in this new mode of communication.
Without a doubt, Facebook, email discussion lists, and other new media have enlarged the circles of friendship for many. As well, our online networks are surely assets for those who are housebound, disabled, or living in remote locations.
From sharing praise music on YouTube and podcasts that stir the soul, to testimonies of deliverance, answered prayer, and encouraging messages that stream across the globe – these uses of media confirm the emergence of a whole new world of connection.
These tools extend our reach, allowing us to connect with people near and far. And, as these connections are carried to the streets, beaches, parks, airplanes, and workplaces, it certainly appears that opportunities for Christian fellowship are growing.
What fun it is to exchange inspiring messages and songs with Christian friends! But while our mobile media create a plethora of new opportunities that allow us to use language in many creative ways, they are also changing our perception and experience of the relationships we hold so dear.
For starters, relationships are not tasks on a to-do list, nor are they the sum of the information we exchange. What this type of communication behavior leads to is something researchers have been calling continuous partial attention, or CPA.
It is a way of being busy and interacting with one’s media environment rather than relating.[1]
Over time, this misuse our media may be particularly problematic, for as we become more accustomed to giving partial attention to people, we lose the important focus necessary to truly connect and commune with them.
Instead of our texting or email communication being an exception to our normal mode of relating, it can quickly become a regular feature in our everyday lives, and giving partial attention becomes the “new normal.”
Along with multi-tasking our relationships, several other unexpected challenges arise. As dependence upon our personal mobile media for friendship and fellowship becomes entrenched in everyday experience, one main challenge is in dealing with something we might call a hyper-knowing of others.
This is that tendency to be much more open with those we don’t live with – sharing personal (and increasingly private) information about ourselves with those whom we have no primary responsibility or actual embodied experience. When this happens, people often feel they are closer to their distant online friends than they are to the people around them. The main problem here is that the online friendship is mostly illusional.
Even with those who attempt to “keep it real” by posting actual, untouched photos as their Facebook profile picture or share real-time status updates that convey sorrow, angst, or anger instead of unbroken positivity, the danger of deception and illusion press hard against our psyche, simply because we are “seeing” through layers of screens, platforms, and symbol systems.
As it is, we know that we already “see through a glass darkly;” adding one more layer between ourselves and another human being makes it that much more difficult to break through appearances to the heart of the person communicating.
Words are magnificent gifts given by God to help human beings make meaning, but words are not sufficient without action to back them up. Too easily, words alone mask our real needs and motivations.
The thing is – masks must be removed for intimacy to grow and it is life together that has the greatest potential to reveal who we really are and all that we can be. Fellowship is face-to-face settings has much greater worth to accomplish the work of the transformation of our souls.
But, as we transfer more and more of our human communication to mediated environments (such as Facebook) we inadvertently limit our ability to grow, both spiritually and in our relationships. Instead of depth of relationship we are more apt to gain relationships that are sparse, superficial, and unsatisfying.
It takes much personal bravery to remove the masks worn by our illusional self. Trust, loyalty, faithfulness — all are developed in an environment that is tangible, actual – a place where people are meeting face-to-face, sharing Christ through words and deeds. The Hebrew word that signifies speech is dabar. It is an interesting word, for it encompasses speech and action. One cannot use the word dabar without inferring both speaking and doing.
Relegating our fellowship to Facebook separates our doing from our speaking, thereby creating an environment that is extremely conducive to deception and even more so to illusion.
These are no substitutes for truth and reality. Our Father thought human presence significant enough to send Jesus the Christ in the flesh. He could have sent a message in a bottle, but chose the incarnation instead.
The Gospel is not a lifeless word in a book. It is alive and active, transformational because of the livingness of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Word of God.
May we endeavor to do nothing less than hold human presence sacred, giving ourselves over to participation with each other in the fellowship of the Lamb – that which began in the Spirit, made visible in the flesh, an continues as the open door to experiencing life, glorious and eternal, today.
[1] Continuous Partial Attention (CPA), is a phrase coined by Linda Stone in 1997. It suggests communication behavior that is “always-on” scanning, scrolling, seeking to know and be known. It has become increasingly common to live this way in the Internet generation. See Business Week Report July 24, 2008.
See also Facebook vs. Twitter: Comparisons and Ministry Perspective
Superb. We were playing hide and seek with extended family recently. The youngest playing, (a two year old) would hide. I’d call out “Where are you?” “Here!!” he would holler back. So innocent, perfect unhindered relational communication. Social media is a great servant, but a bad master. It should serve only to enhance what we already learn “organically” in the correct relational face to face tangible “environment” (Im getting with the plan!) Good Afternoon, Good Evening, and Goodnight!
Great points to ponder 🙂 As a 40-somethinger, I have recently ventured into the Facebook world and actually love it for being able to reconnect and stay in touch with people I actually have some relationship with…however, I have had this weird sense that there is a little something odd about all of a sudden being able to “peek” in on the life of someone you really have had NO relating with in 20+, 30+ years…and to feel that all of a sudden you “know” them again….and vice-versa. Stephanie is right…I am not a “real” part of their life anymore and they are not a “real” functioning part of my life either. Are there some who it would be good to catch up with…probably, but when you think about how limited our time is even with the people we can spend “face-to-face” interaction with…it’s probably best to limit the on-line virtual life :).
Great article! I want to check out Dr. Bennett’s books now.
I disagree with this article mostly.
I think, on the whole, that Americans just aren’t very good at relationships in general. The internet has actually removed some of the inhibitions people have at getting to know one another deeply and allowed people to step into relationships they may never otherwise have discovered. The internet has also allowed people to stay connected with friends and family that may live at a distance from where they live. Our society is a very mobile society, and we don’t live in the same town anymore for our whole entire lives the way people used to when the average person lived and died within 3 miles of where they were born. We can bemoan this, and talk about how drastically superior past generations were at having local relationships, but the reality is, this is where we are at. The internet is one tool that helps overcome this.
Many people DO find relationships on the internet, whether friendships, working groups, or romantic relationships, relationships that in many cases eventually become off-line friendships. Some even find Christian communities over the internet. Some people find Jesus through friends they met over the internet (and that’s a relationship!) Somewhere between 15 and 20% of all marriages in the USA now are people who met online.
The internet has also allowed people who hold “fringe” or “niche” ideas (such as organic church – ha) to find people in other towns, other areas outside their local sphere, or in some cases, people right where they live that they couldn’t find otherwise.
We’re humans – we use any means possible to communicate and connect with people. I am not fond of the technological/internet bashing that goes on, particularly among Christians. It seems that we are always suspicious of new cultural phenomena, and rather than learning how to develop our lives and our faith in the context of the changes in culture, we are always last to the party while the first half of the party we were sitting on the sidelines, criticizing. The internet is the best thing to happen to isolated Americans in terms of finding relationship with others in a long, long time.
The important thing is how one uses it – to have meaningful relationships, whether on the internet or off, one must BE a good relationship partner. If one’s internet friendships are to be more than “illusionary”, one must treat them as real – and be willing to be truly involved in the lives of their internet friends, as well as allowing them to be truly in one’s own life. Visiting, going on vacation with, and sending parcels through the mail on special occasions to one’s internet friends are part of how relationship can still be expressed with long distance friends. I have long distance friends that I didn’t meet on the net, and no one would accuse those friendships of being “illusionary” simply because my friend lives far away. Neither do I allow my internet friendships to be illusionary.
I believe you misread the article. Stephanie who is an exeprt in communication and media didn’t say that online relationships have no value. She didn’t say that they can’t lead to real relationships either. She is just expressing the dangers of having a virtual friendship that replaces a real one. I was in a dating relationship with a guy online for a long time and I thought I was in love, but when we met in person, I realized it wasn’t real at all. It was an illusion. I researched this and the statistics are overwhelming that this happens very often online and it comforted me. Online relationships are illusionary until you meet the person face to face and even then they can be illusionary but it’s totally different. She is right that some people substitute church for virtual groups too. That was her point. I feel you misread her.
Same thing happened to me. I wish I had this article before hand because it would have saved me a lot of heartache.
Wow, Steph. This really puts virtual life vs. reality in the ring.
“For starters, relationships are not tasks on a to-do list, nor are they the sum of the information we exchange.” You make excellent points, word it flawlessly and draw the reader to further think about these thoughts with the fabulous line:
“He could have sent a message in a bottle, but chose the incarnation instead.”
Marvelous. Thank you.
Great post, Frank. I ordered her book on communicating love.
Great article! Thanks for posting this Frank. It was a good reminder for me to hear…especially being home all the time with a baby and toddler. Sometimes I don’t get out and it’s just easier to connect to sisters by calling, but what a difference it makes when we can share Christ together face-to-face!
One of the reasons I’m saying goodbye to Facebook in the coming week…
… it also distracts from important things.
I may be wrong, but I don’t think this is a syndrome brought on by our phones or computers. It is a deeper issue called shallowness. Perhaps laziness as well. People prefer their online “friends” to real ones because they can get the gratification of being liked without the work or the risk. Let’s not over think this. Real relationship is hard, so we look for substitutes. We do the same with our relationship with God, and the prophets always named it what it was…idolatry.
Frank, I find this article very interesting. Most of my personal friends don’t have time for anything but scheduled cups of coffee. Last week I emailed a friend whom I can never reach on the phone to see if we could get together for coffee. Her response was “I’ll check my availability and get back to you next week”. That felt really personal … not. It felt to me as though she was trying really hard to fit me into her schedule.
It seems people these days don’t want to develop deep relationships … it’s too threatening I think. I have two friends that have been friends for twenty years. They don’t know me and I don’t know them. Any attempt to go deeper in our relationship gets met with opposition. They like me as long as I only want to have fun with them. I crave deep relationships and work hard to achieve them but it’s like pulling teeth. Am I doing something wrong or is this just the age we live in?
My best friend is one whom I have never touched, seen or had a cup of coffee with and yet He knows me inside out (Jesus). No one can ever know another like that. By comparison all other relationships are superficial. Yes, I crave deep friendships with people and yet I wonder if it’s possible. I cannot have the same depth of conversation with anyone I know as I can have on frankviola.org. So, thanks for being my friend and someone I can have an in depth conversation with.
Great article! Thanks for sharing.
“This is that tendency to be much more open with those we don’t live with – sharing personal (and increasingly private) information about ourselves with those whom we have no primary responsibility or actual embodied experience. When this happens, people often feel they are closer to their distant online friends than they are to the people around them. The main problem here is that the online friendship is mostly illusional.”
Pow.
I myself have fallen into this snare, even having the best of intentions. While having online ‘friends’ is cool and all, it pales in comparison to face-to-face relationships. I have learned this the hard way, much to my chagrin at having to confess my foolishness and immaturity.
Great article full of truth. I’ve been reading a lot of different articles and studies recently about our over-connectedness. It’s crazy how social media and constant connection via smart phones is actually changing the way our brains work. I’ve been trying to limit my time on these mediums by ditching my smart phone and downgrading to a basic phone and staying offline in the evening. When I first ditched my iPhone I actually felt anxious without it. Like an addict trying to give up his drug. We need to be more intentional about unplugging and connecting face to face and sharing life together in real life, rather than through a screen.
Gee thanks! That rocked my little world… So true and so needed to hear.