Welcome to another Thursday UNFILTERED blog post, the only blog that’s willing to walk over broken glass (like Bruce Willis in Die Hard) to meet more Millennials who are spiritual warriors, serious about living for Jesus Christ.
Let me give you one of the ingredients for sabotaging your relationships. I’m talking about ANY relationship, whether it be with your girlfriend, boyfriend, friends, husband, wife, children, parents, co-workers, acquaintances, and all your virtual social media “friends.”
The great relationship sabotager I’m speaking about is called OUTCOME DEPENDENCE.
What is outcome dependence?
Outcome dependence is doing something for someone else in order to achieve a certain outcome.
Example:
Your friend is hiring and you apply for the job. He doesn’t select you, so you become angry and resentful toward your friend.
You’ve just sabotaged your relationship with your friend.
Why? Because you were outcome dependent. You had strings attached to your job application. You put an expectation on your friend. When it wasn’t met, you turned hot toward him. Bellicose. Pugnacious. Obnoxious.
Another example:
You buy a gift for your boyfriend or husband. He doesn’t react the way you want. Now you’re upset with him.
You’ve just thrown a wrench into your relationship.
Why? Because you were outcome dependent. You didn’t give him a gift out of unconditional love. You gave it to achieve a certain reaction.
Another example:
You write to an author expressing appreciation for her book. She never replies to you or you think her reply is too short. It doesn’t meet your expectations. Horns arise out of your head and you’re furious with her.
You’ve just broken a bridge with that author.
Why? Because you were outcome dependent. You didn’t express your appreciation unconditionally. It didn’t come from a right motive. You were expecting some sort of validation from it.
Hell hath no fury like the outcome dependent when their expectations aren’t met.
Outcome dependence reveals neediness and selfishness. It’s the opposite of unconditional love, which is the supreme mark of the new birth (this is one of the main arguments of 1 John).
Outcome dependence is a form of manipulation. You do something for someone else in order to engineer a specific outcome that YOU want.
A needy, self-absorbed person who is not complete within themselves, but needs another person to validate them, will always be outcome dependent.
And outcome dependence pushes people away due to self-seeking pressure.
To love without condition is to be OUTCOME INDEPENDENT. And that’s what life in the kingdom of God looks like.
You give, you serve, you ask, you apply, etc. without any expectations. Without any conditions. Without any attachments to or expectations of the outcome.
You put no pressure on other people to do anything!
If you do something kind for someone else, you don’t look over your shoulder to see if it’s “working.”
You do it unto God’s glory and out of Christ-fueled love. A love that never demands, expects, or puts pressure on others. That’s the goal.
This is how I put it in my upcoming book on how to survive the worst trials, tribulations, and adversities life can throw at you:
“Do things for others because of the man/woman you are, not to win brownie points. Whenever you do something to achieve a reaction, you’re being outcome dependent, which means you’re seeking validation and acknowledgement. It’s a sign of neediness.”
Your assignment:
Think about your friendships, your romantic relationships, your family relationships, and ask yourself these questions:
- Have I been acting toward these people dependent on the outcome of my words and actions? Or have I been loving unconditionally, without any strings attached?
- Am I man or woman who is outcome independent?
That, my dear friends, is the mark to hit. And it’s what the Lord calls us all to.
If you don’t learn this lesson, don’t be surprised when you start seeing your relationships fall apart.
The good news is that if you’re reading this, you’re still alive, so you can begin the journey of living independent of the outcome right now.
Until next week,
fv
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Praying With a Hate-Filled Heart