“Can two walk together, except they be agreed?”
~ Amos 3:3, KJV
Welcome to another Thursday UNFILTERED blog post, the only weekly blog that refuses to do anything for love (despite what Meat Loaf sang).
Before we get into the subject at hand, I have a quick announcement.
I’d appreciate it if you (who do this) would stop sending me “must see” conspiracy videos. In fact, please stop sending me ANY and ALL videos.
The exception is my videos. You can share my YouTube videos all day long … because they’re all “must see” and SHOULD be shared with everyone!
Ahem.
Stay tuned for next Thursday’s article where I promised to talk about living in transition, which is the case for many of you right now.
While in-person dating has been hampered right now because of COVID, there will come a time when the pandemic will end and you’ll be able to cough into someone’s mouth without being concerned about a homicide charge.
This article is for two groups of Christians:
1) Men and women who are single.
2) Men and women who are married, but who know single believers – whether friends or family members.
I’m writing it in response to the following question.
“My sister is a Christian. She’s young and has kept herself pure. But she’s become lukewarm and a boy who doesn’t know the Lord is giving her a lot of attention. She’s attracted to him and they’ve just started dating. I have tried to warn my sister about this and where it can lead. Can you give me some advice on what the Bible says about a Christian dating an unbeliever?”
As I discussed at length in Insurgence: Reclaiming the Gospel of the Kingdom,* life in the kingdom of God and the call to follow Jesus touches every area of our lives. Including our relationships.
Putting aside the countless people who profess to be “Christians” but are still in the driver’s seat of their lives, for anyone who truly knows Jesus and follows Him, it’s hard to understand why any one would even consider spending the rest of their lives with a person who doesn’t love Jesus Christ.
And that includes dating them.
Because dating often leads to emotional attachment, and emotional attachment often leads to marriage and/or the sin of fornication.
(If no one bothered to tell you that sex outside of marriage – fornication — is a sin in the eyes of God, read 1 Corinthians 6:13-20; 7:2; 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8; Colossians 3:5; Hebrews 13:4; and Galatians 5:19-21.)
Three Popular Lies Believed by Many Christians
If you read your Bible, you are well aware that Satan is called a liar multiple times. Lying is his nature. He’s a first-class deceiver. He holds a Ph.D in it.
Our fallen flesh is also deceptive. And the world system – which I’ve talked often about – is the flesh organized socially and historically.
Satan uses both the flesh and the world system, which is under his domain, to deceive people.
When it comes to this business of dating and relationships, here are three prevalent lies that many Christians have swallowed whole without blinking:
- “Fornication (sex outside of marriage) is no big deal. Everyone is doing it. No Christian keeps themselves pure in our society. Especially Millennials.”
Response: I have three choices – burp, bull, baloney. This idea is patently false. I personally know many young Christian men and women who have glorified God with their bodies and saved themselves for marriage. And I know many who are presently saving themselves, pushing against the false narrative of the world system.
If you are someone who isn’t around any true followers of Jesus, then that last paragraph may surprise you. But it’s true.
- “A guy needs sex, so if I decide to have a boyfriend, in order to show him that I love him – and keep him – I’ll eventually have to give in.”
Response: First off, if you’re dating a guy who thinks or feels this way, then his salvation is in serious doubt. And you should run … or jump out of the nearest window in order break loose from him. That way of thinking is hard-core manipulation. It’s a bunch of BS.
My advice. If all your girlfriends think this way, you need to broaden your horizons and move heaven and earth to develop new friendships. The truth is, many Christian teens and college students who are reading this right now can testify that you are being lied to big time.
- “There are no true Christian boys or girls who really follow Jesus and take walking with Him seriously. Every guy/girl I’ve met at church or my youth group loves the world. None of them are pure or holy. They all do the same stuff that non-Christians do – sex, drugs, using profanity, etc.”
Response: Claptrip, flimflam, gibberish, poppycock, horse feathers, dross, blather, drivel, hogwash, and just for good measure, hooey.
While I don’t doubt that the people you have chosen to develop relationships with who are part of your church or your youth group may be living like worldlings, that’s not the case with THOUSANDS of young Christian men and women. And it’s probably not the case with EVERY person who attends your church or youth group (I mean, do you really know every single one of them, and do you really know the private details of all of their lives?).
Even so, here’s a novel idea. Find a different church.
I personally know quite a few young Christian men and women who are part of The Deeper Christian Life Network who are completely sold out for Christ. These people DO exist despite your own limited experience.)
God Has an Opinion
Since this question was asked about a young woman, I’ll keep my answer focused on the actual question. But what I have to say applies to both men and women of all ages who have surrendered their lives to Christ.
Over the years, I’ve watched countless young women come to Christ then start dating a guy who didn’t really follow the Lord. Some of these women did it because they were lonely. Or they felt they needed validation from a guy.
Others did it because they convinced themselves that they could just remain “friends” with the guy.
Others did it because, well, they were clueless about God’s Word on the matter (or didn’t seem to care what it had to say).
The New Testament couldn’t be clearer:
“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”
~ 2 Corinthians 6:14, ESV
A yoke is a wooden crosspiece fastened over the necks of two oxen and attached to a plow so they can pull it together.
The yoke, then, speaks of intimate union.
The heaviest yokes are intimate relationships like dating and marriage. This is why Paul said that those who were presently unmarried should only marry “in the Lord” – meaning, they should only marry a fellow follower of Jesus (1 Corinthians 7:39).
Evangelistic Dating
Others rationalized dating a guy who doesn’t love Christ by thinking they’d end up leading their unbelieving boyfriend to Jesus.
“Yea, Melvin is really cute so I’ll start going out with him. At some point, I’ll tell him about Jesus and take him to church. He’ll get converted, and we’ll live happily ever after.”
~ Said countless girls who lost their walk with God in the process
If you’ve ever seen the film A Walk to Remember, you’d think that “evangelistic dating” (also called “missionary dating”) is a magic bullet.
Outside of movies, however, evangelistic dating is virtually always a spiritual suicide mission.
I’ve never seen it work.
Instead, I’ve watched many a young soul lose their walk with God and head straight back into the world as a result.
Stand on a table. Then try pulling someone up to where you are. It doesn’t take a degree in physics to realize that it’s much easier for them to pull you down than it is for you to pull them up. Ergo …
“Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’”
~ 1 Corinthians 15:33, NIV
This principle is true in both friendships and especially in intimate relationships like dating and marriage.
For this reason, God was crystal clear that ancient Israel (who were His people at the time) were NOT to marry pagan men and women under any condition.
“Do not intermarry with them [those living in pagan nations]. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons, for they will turn your children away from following me to serve other gods …”
~ Deuteronomy 7:3-4, NIV
Yep. Start dating or marry a person who doesn’t follow Jesus and you’ll likely be serving the gods of money (possessions), sex, and power.
These false gods have lured many a believer back into the grip of “the god of this world” (Satan) where everything is ultimately about “my happiness” instead of God’s glory and His joy.
I’ve seen all of this play out a number of times with young men who were following Christ and started dating pagan girls. But in my experience (which I realize may not mean much), it’s mostly been teen girls and young women who fell victim to this mistake.
Interestingly, Melody Green made the same observation, so maybe there’s something to it. She wrote,
“In my counseling experience, they [Christian women] seem to make this mistake [dating an unbeliever] much more frequently than men do. However, the problems and the principles I will be talking about can obviously be applied to any Christian thinking of marrying (or for that matter even dating) someone who doesn’t love Jesus with all of their heart.”
But let’s not get hung up on gender. Men have their own issues and pitfalls that they tend to be more susceptible to. The point is that the results of dating an unbeliever – either for women or men – were always horrible in my observation.
Young Christian girls who were once pure ended up losing their purity to someone who didn’t know Christ (or who was “lukewarm” and wasn’t actually living for Him). In most cases, the unbelieving boyfriend ended up breaking up with the girl.
That put these girls on a path of immense pain and immorality, deluding themselves with the deceptive idea that goes like this: “Well, I already lost my purity so what’s the point?”
And Satan wins another soul. (Before you drop your smart phone, the Bible makes clear that Satan is involved with immorality, just see 1 Timothy 5:14-15 and 1 Corinthians 7:5. Of course, sexual immorality – as well as all other sins except blaspheming the Holy Spirit – is forgivable. But the consequences are often severe.)
In other cases, I’ve seen these unequally-yoked couples get married. And in every case that I’ve known about, the person who married the non-Jesus lover ended up bitterly regretting it.
Wise Words from a Sister in Christ
Melody Green put the matter beautifully saying,
“Many Christians are deceived when it comes to this. They feel all right about dating an unbeliever, just as long as it doesn’t ‘get too serious.’ They may think, ‘Well, one or two dates can’t hurt any one. Besides, maybe I can lead him to the Lord. I just want to have some fun right now, but when it comes to settling down, I will definitely marry a Christian.’ Then lo and behold, the next thing they know they have ‘fallen in love,’ and are desperately trying to rationalize their relationship and their upcoming marriage – to themselves, to their friends, and to God. I say this: Any Christian foolish enough to date an unbeliever is foolish enough to marry one!
One of the main problems is that too many Christians approach the idea of dating with far too casual an attitude. They have adopted the world’s view on this, instead of God’s. There is no such thing as ‘playing the field’ when it comes to Christianity.”
Again again,
“I think it should be becoming increasingly clear to you that dating is not to be done lightly – nor without God’s approval! This doesn’t mean that you have to feel called to marriage with someone before you can spend any time together – but you must be able to see the qualities of a sincere lover of God in this person, and the fruit of their faith should be evident for all to see.
If they pass this most crucial test, you still must seek God to see if it’s all right to take the time to get to know this person better. You should seek the Lord privately on this – that is, not with the person you are interested in. That way, if God says ‘No,’ no one will be hurt.
I am assuming you have already spent time with this person in group situations – but a deeper relationship should only be entered into if and when the Lord gives you His express permission. If you are afraid to hear a possible ‘No’ from God, then you are not seeking His will, but your own. This should be an immediate danger signal that something is wrong, and you shouldn’t make a move until you get your heart right with the Lord.
Why even put yourself in the position of possibly making the wrong decision? Since God’s Word commands us not to be ‘unequally yoked,’ it is foolish and openly rebellious to even consider it. You will be headed towards almost certain disaster if you lean to your own understanding instead of trusting God and taking Him at His word.”
Melody sums up her case saying,
“When it comes right down to it, someone who loves Jesus just doesn’t have that much in common with someone who doesn’t. Sure, you may enjoy the same hobbies, or be engaged in the same type of work – but when it comes to the things that really matter, you will be miles apart.
In a marriage, when that first rush of excitement wears off, you will find yourself yearning for the true intimacy and oneness that can only be experienced with someone of ‘like mind.’ You will be unfulfilled and strangely lonesome in this closest of all partnerships if, due to different beliefs, you cannot experience true intimacy.
Neither of you would be able to share the deepest longings of your heart with each other, because your whole basis of looking at life – your very reasons for living – would be totally different. Your hearts and lives could never be truly united because there would be no common bond to draw you together and keep you together.
Don’t deceive yourself. A sincere lover of God would never knowingly be joined to a lover of the world. Don’t even think about submitting your life in marriage to a godless partner – that is, unless it won’t bother you to live a godless life.”**
Right on, Melody!
Following Jesus (for realz) costs something. Your reputation is one of them. If you take a stand like this when it comes to dating, you’ll probably be the victim of vituperative mud-slinging, ghosting, raised eyebrows, sneers and jeers.
But any believer who has two neurons to rub together can see that the fruit of dating a non-Jesus-lover is not good. And to love Jesus is to submit to Him (John 14:15).
A Kingdom Framework for Dating
Okay, Frank, so what’s the alternative? How do I go about finding a guy or girl who is spiritually safe to date? Or who would fall within God’s will for marriage?
Well, I defer to my friend John Nugent (one of my partners on The Insurgence Podcast).
John has given (by far) the best advice I’ve ever heard on how to go about establishing a relationship with someone that will safeguard you from both sin and pain (those two are often joined at the hip).
John’s approach is unique, and he covers most of the questions that Christian Millennials ask about dating.
So much of what’s written and spoken about this subject today is maddening unoriginal. Not so with John’s take on it.
I know of no better resource for anyone who wants to get God’s view on dating and selecting a spouse.
LISTEN TO “A KINGDOM FRAMEWORK FOR DATING” BELOW
Final Words (Don’t Miss This)
Remember, the call of the gospel of the kingdom is to forsake all and follow Christ. That’s easy to say until that call touches an area of our lives that we don’t wish to forsake. And that’s why we need to be captured by His glory to follow through.
In that connection, let me close with this challenge. If you’re reading this article and you’re dating someone who isn’t following Jesus, you have a choice.
Break off the relationship in obedience to God, trusting Him with your future. Or rationalize your disobedience.
If you ignore this advice, if I were a betting man, I’d bet good money that you will regret your decision and end up saying, “Frank, Melody, and John were right. I should have listened!”
So why not spare yourself that pain and decide to follow your Lord in the matter?
He has something far better in store for you than what you can see right now.
Trust and obey Him and let Him bless you with it.
You won’t like the alternative.
If you say, “Well, I’ve already screwed up and lost my purity with my boyfriend/girlfriend, so I’ll keep doing what I’m doing,” you’re being deceived.
Cut off the relationship, go to the Lord and receive His cleansing forgiveness, and start out new.
ALL OF US (yes, I’m speaking to you too) have messed up in some area of our lives, but true repentance turns everything around. And you have a merciful God who desires to give you a brand new life, without looking back at your past. Starting right now.
If you’re struggling with guilt and condemnation over your mistakes, listen to this talk – Remember Peter: Rethinking the Love of God. I trust it will set you free.
See you next Thursday,
fv
Related:
10 Things I Wish Older Christians Taught Me
Should Christians Go to Nightclubs (Clubbing)?
P.S. If you’re not subscribed to my Thursday UNFILTERED updates, you can subscribe here. It’s free and comes with a dozen Super Fire Hot Wings … the kind you can only eat after you sign a set of release forms.
* I’ve heard from many young people who have read Insurgence and said the practical action sections completely changed their lives, enabling them to lay hold of Jesus and break free from wordliness and ungodly living. One of them recently said, “I wish I had this book when I was in high school!” You can freely listen to the first part of the book here.
** Why You Shouldn’t Marry or Date an Unbeliever by Melody Green. While Melody’s article is long, it’s superb.
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